I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.
You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.
How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.
How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.
Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.
So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
…..me.
Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.
You speak to what I know and fear and wonder about and frequently use to bring me back to deep appreciation. The purity of your voice gives me strength. Thank you.
You name, with both rawness and eloquence, that which I fear I will face someday as well. Some holes can’t be filled, and yet we have to learn to be simply ourselves. Continued blessings of strength, peace and joy to you Barb. Love, Deb
Sounds like judgement and resistance. Acceptance feels really good.
I notice that I can stand anything…one second at a time.
My friend asked me how I can stand knowing I’ll be pricking my finger 10 times/day for the rest of my life to check my blood sugar. I realized I don’t think about doing it for the rest of my life. I do it today. Be here now really is the answer to my suffering. In this moment, I have enough money, time and love. The skill comes in being able to spend my time in the present moment. Wow! Every so often I accidentally do it, and it is a pleasure.
Still so glad you had the courage to come to California…. big hug!