Journey to the True Self

I’ve written before about a question that has haunted me since Joseph (my husband) and my daughter died: “Who Am I Now?”

Recently, at the end of a 7 week Meditation class, we were asked to tell others what gift they brought to the group. We were supposed to answer: “Thank you. I like hearing that.” I could get the “Thank You” out but choked on the “I like hearing that.” They gave me complements. They were saying I showed up and was sharing where I was. I was genuine. Why couldn’t I say that simple phrase? Why did I feel like I was an awkward teenager again?

On the way home it hit me!

As a kid, being myself was discouraged…you were supposed to fit in. I learned to lay low. Later, I made exceptions with my husband or with a close circle of trusted friends. With others, I hid behind my roles: consultant, caretaker…. My strength was in meeting the needs of others (individual, team or organization). It didn’t help, that as an Introvert, being around a lot of people spontaneously could be overwhelming. No time to think through/process my thoughts/feelings.

But now there’s just me, mostly retired. I’ve been choosing to focus on listening to what I’m experiencing. To honor whatever is happening. Can I stay with it and put it out there, even when imperfect and raw? Can I be me in this moment?

What hit me on the way home was by focusing on me, on being true to myself, I’ve left the safe ground of how I lived my life. I feel naked. Discombobulated. A vulnerable teenager again. I look to see if I’m fitting in…until I remember being true to myself is more important.

Living from this new place, I’ve questions. I see my inconsistencies, I see where my head knowledge hasn’t reached my heart knowing. It’s messy.

I’m inhabiting this new frontier with equal parts interest, disorientation, contentment and continued commitment to honor my true Self. And interestingly, I’m noticing that more often l love my life and I love being the only thing I can be….my Self.

“What was your job? It has been learning how to just follow my path.” from New Yorker’s Masha Gessen’s “Exit interview” with pioneering filmmaker and visual artist Barbara Hammer as she was dying from cancer.

And then there was me

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He was my rock
He believed in me
Without him I’m
left with my
self doubt, my
belief I’m less than.

So I act more than
I hang on the fringe
a rule breaker
All to hide that
I’m good,
but not good enough.

I know my limits
so I think.
But now, without shelter,
I’m left with the question
Is there a middle between
more and less?

I’m lost in indecision
self awareness
sucks

Acceptance
one word
a life time

Now

Can a cup of coffee
be a meditation?
Can I be so present
with the warmth of the cup
or the roasted smell of beans
that I let my self go?
let my Self be in this moment?

Living off the mat,
off that formal time of
emptying, noticing,
observing.
Can I stay present?

Can I welcome
what comes
through me?
Be awake enough to notice,
see, hear, feel it?
Would such a simple life
drag me into a cave?

Or would I burst out
into the world ablaze
with love?

For the past year, I’ve been asking the question: “Who am I now?” Now, without my husband and without my daughter (both of whom passed recently). Who am I without the roles, the relationships, and the love I’d known.

Recently it came to me: I’m asking the wrong question!
I’ve been seeking another story about who I am in the world, one I can slip-into and live comfortably in. One that would define me and pull me in from floating in space.

But a friend suggested the question was not necessarily about a new story. That the meaning would shift if I focused on the “now” part. Who am I now?

She was right. “Now” it changes with each second of time. It is not a constant but a flow. It’s not about coming up with a new a story about me but an awakening to what is.

So I’m playing with new questions, What am I experiencing now?, What do I want to express now? What am I led to do now?

For one who taught strategic planning, this is a bit different. But it feels right…at least for now.


Evolution of Self

Evolution of Self

Projection?
Validation?
Reflection?

We become
through others
ever more deeply
ourselves.

 

Written in response to a Medium Chalkboard Expresso (15 words or less) prompt by Harper Thorpe

December, 2018

Entrapment (Dedicated to Enneagram Fours)


You can go
your whole life
believing you’re different
you don’t belong.

You hold back
just enough to make
it true—

Until one slips
under your
defenses

But he is different.
It wasn’t
intentional.

You see your
reflection in those
around you

the fringe
the damaged
the different

you judge yourself
better, than worse
you’re different
you don’t belong.

Until light starts
seeping in and you
begin to see
the thinking that

Sculpture by Arthur Minton

trapped you,
the feelings that
overwhelmed you.

You get a glimpse
of your own heart’s wisdom,
out of your control,
setting you free.

“D” is for…

I used to check
my calendar
for names:

B for birthday
AN for anniversary–
triggers to send a card

to remember
how our lives
intertwine.

When did I start
putting “D” by names?
It’s aging they say,
loss is part of it.

But knowing doesn’t
soften the sharp edges
of the missing pieces.

“God fills the holes”
“Reinvent yourself”
“Time to turn inward….”

But I stare at the “D”s
and wonder….
overwhelmed

by the mystery,

the fragility,
the preciousness
of Life.

.

Trick and Treat

Canyon DeChelly by besliter

The trick is to
allow each moment
to treat us to it’s
wonders

So dying
no regrets
we lived all
all that was given.

(A response to the one line poetry prompt by Kathy Jacobs in Chalkboard)

Perfection

[When we don’t like what is going on in our lives, around us….]

Perfection

What if where we are is exactly
where we’re supposed to be?

The result of past decisions and
beliefs we held so dearly as true…

It’s the chance for us to really look,
to see clearly what we’ve co-created

and choose differently.

Everything I react to is but a mirror
of the inner world I live in.

Reacting is seeded in fear,
my world, my self, what I care about
is threatened.

Only Love can respond anew.

Love can say “no, stop, enough”…
but love never loses itself in rage or fear.

Love knows the God spark
in every situation,
in everyone,
in me.

What if we are exactly where
we’re supposed to be?

Depression Landing

Mortality haunts me.
At a time I need
to reach out
I’m shrinking.

I pull away from
connecting.
Fear of loss?
Illness seems
to surround me
Another one down.

Loss hangs in the air
reflected in the unsteady
steps of those I
would love.

I need to resurrect
my curiosity, my interest
in the world
But its decay saddens me.
Relationships take time
to nurture and deepen.

I should buck up
move on, instead,
lost in the mundane
I’m disappearing.

Beginnings, Middles and Ends

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”—Pema Chodron

How can people
be so sure
where are we on
this continuum of life.

Those who think the
time is near, do they
stop seeing the rose
stop caring for the wild?

How vast is the universe
How vast must be its Creator.
Our stories cannot
hold the Infinite.

Still we separate, judge and vilify
in the name of our small truth.
While the One
who knows us best

gives us a new day.
Grace flows
Love beckons,
The Divine is patient.