What is your unique truth at this moment?

I still feel like I don’t belong
and it always surprises me
I‘m connected to my back yard
It loves me and I love it back

I love people and I don’t know
why or where it comes from
I’m guided in ways I don’t control
The universe has many worlds

I’m not pretending everything is resolved. I am not asking others for solutions to what is unfolding in me. I’m experiencing my life as I am living it. I’m learning this is” getting it right.”

I see my own contradictions, e.g, I should stop drinking…and then I don’t.
So now, I’m noticing what encourages me to have a drink: sometimes it is because I enjoy a glass of wine, sometimes I’m upset and I’m numbing out, and sometimes I’m caught up in the expectations of others. I’m letting go of “how it should be” and I’m becoming more aware of “how it is”. It is no longer about a general rule or a “should”.

I choose to be free, and that means being honest with myself. It is being unapologetically me. It is only from this place of self acceptance and self awareness that I can choose more wisely. This is love.

The Storm

The wind whipped around and through
The tree limbs followed, wildly dancing
Swaying, twisting, bowing

I felt Thunder in my bones
“Danger, go inside”
But in awe I couldn’t leave

Powerful, wild, alive
My heart was drawn in
Connected to this dance of life

This storm was trying to tell me something. In the chaos and tragedy going on these days, what do I see? What does my heart connect to? Is there always a choice between fear/anger and something more? Is there always beauty in the chaos?

I’m being told to move away from either/or, right/wrong, good/evil. Can I hold it all?

The Deluge

The heavy rains came
Even the thorned Barberry
Bowed down under the weight
Gray days hovered
Everything heavy

Then this morning
in the soaked grass
The bare dandelions
seeds washed away
became Starbursts

These times are hard. After Friday’s storm, the Roofer came and checked. He said the fallen tree limb hadn’t damaged the roof.
This morning City Workers filled the potholes in front of my drive.
And today once again, mothers are mourning their dead children and
communities the loss of their cherished members.

The routine of life cut open by the horror of killing, rooted in prejudice, racism, and the acts of the wounded who are acting out their trauma and illness on others.
I pray to experience what the mind cannot define or comprehend; the love of God that can hold all of this.

I pray that I remember we are all connected, that there is no “other” unless I close may heart.
I strive to avoid language and words that create the illusion of separation: e.g., they, whites, blacks, liberals, conservatives…. Labels that lump people into faceless boxes that are too easy to dismiss and belittle.

I strive to love myself and to learn what it means to love others: starting with accepting and seeing the person as they are and who they are. “And may that love move me to co-create justice and well-being for all.” bell hooks

The Unexpected

This birthday
felt different.
It was a transition.
To what? I didn’t know.
I needed to celebrate.
Celebrate what? I didn’t know.

But friends heard me.
And, they showed up
bearing gifts, sending cards
taking me out for lunch,
taking me to an opera.

And then it came to me.
Filling me to overflowing.
And I let it in.
I felt loved!

The Universe has a way of gifting us when we least expect it. I don’t usually celebrate my birthdays. But this one felt different and I told my friends. They heard me and responded. And then, perhaps for the first time in my life, I felt loved…by friends and the Universe. It’s not that I didn’t know I was loved before, but I don’t think I took it in. But this time I got it. I felt loved. I still feel loved. The door to my heart opened. The Universe works in mysterious ways. I’m learning to trust it.

One Earring

One earring lost
Always from a favorite pair
The one “left behind” a tease
Reminding me of what was

There’s always the hope you’ll find it. This one has to be in the house. Or does it? How long have I been walking around with one earring? Does anyone notice? Why is it always my favorite pair? Why does this happen!!!!

Simplistically, maybe the answer is “Hey you, be more careful!”
But maybe, the loss is a reminder that the things you love can disappear at any time.
It’s a reminder to slow down, to really see & enjoy, to pay attention.

Life is precious. Even little things are gifts. May I take the time to enjoy, appreciate, to love…. May I take nothing for granted, even my earings.

After I wrote this blog, I received this from a dear friend:
“No amount of regret changes the past.
No amount of anxiety changes the future.
Any amount of gratitude changes the present.”

No matter how much you want to believe in the power of love as long as that separation–that disconnect–lives inside of you, you will continue to uphold structures of division and separation unconsciously or you’ll simply learn to ignore them. So it turn out that justice is actually a practice…Connection can be felt.

— Rev. angel Kyodo williams

OUT THE DOOR

Thoughts come and go
What is now is the treasure
Breathe, relax
This moment is sacred

I’ve started so many posts these past months and none of them made it to my website. This year went by at the speed of light. Insights came and then it was on to the next challenge. My past has been slowly moving out the door as I let go of things, old stories, cellular memories.

When I see how deeply some of my beliefs were held, I’ve gained compassion for those who are controlling, hurting others, unaware of who they truly are, of who we truly are. Compassion for those reacting to what scares them, to thoughts and feelings they can’t yet face. I exhale.

Today I’m letting go of “trying” and “Self-doubt”…both block me from staying in the moment, from opening to what’s to come. Again, not making something happen but rather opening to receive. Listening for the next step and taking it. It’s going to be an interesting year.

Waiting by Betsy Terrill

Nobility

“Nobility, in the Buddhist sense, means releasing ourselves from the social constructs that blind us to the truth, positioning ourselves to receive the truth, accept the truth, and learn to live equanimously with the truth.” *

Releasing each thread that binds
leaving less mass, less…
until there is just me and what I see
what my hands feel
the sounds and smells around me.

Less anchored but more connected
Is it enough? Or maybe, is it all there is?

Things in my life are beginning to shift. Four years 5 months after losing Joseph, something is opening up and, somethings are dropping away. I’ve yet to refill my bookcases after moving my office into what was Joseph’s…I step around the many boxes of books in the dining room, not sure what to carry forward. I like the empty shelves. It’s as if they’re waiting for something, as if they are enjoying the space.

Well, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I can’t force or rush what wants to happen. And for the first time, I’m at peace with it.

………………..

* “Buddhism as a Path of Trauma Resilience for Anti-Racism Activists,” editors’ introduction to Black & Buddhist: What Buddhism Can Teach Us about Race, Resilience, Transformation and Freedom, ed. Pamela Ayo Yetunde and Cheryl A. Giles (Shambhala: 2020), 2, 3. from Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation, 11/9/21

Turning

I’m turning a corner
What does that mean?
I don’t know

What’s next?
I don’t know

What now?
I trust

For the last few months things have been shifting. How? I can’t tell you. Some of it has been inner work as I release, at a deeper level, some of what I took on as a child and throughout my life that does not serve me. Hurts, self-doubt, fear of being seen, not believing I matter….all resurfacing so I can more consciously say, “I forgive myself and others. I let go. I just am.”

I’m learning to live in liminal space, the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next’.
I’m practicing becoming self aware vs self obsessed. Noticing the mental chatter, the mind busy planning, reacting, telling my story yet again. I then consciously breath and focus on doing whatever it is I’m doing. What’s my body feeling? Breath. Really see the carrot I’m cutting or the weeds I’m pulling. Breath. Feel whatever emotion arises but don’t start telling a story about it. Breath. And Life continues to unfold in me and around me.

Simply experiencing what is brings peace. I’m beginning to trust. I pay attention to the little surprises and notice how things work out in ways I couldn’t possibly expect (another blog). I continue to practice.

The Inconsistent Me

I am many things
the contemplative seeking meaning
the nature lover needing grass under my feet
the one who loves to go to museums
the wild bare foot dancer i

I love to be waited on
I’m independent
I’m a loner
I love being with you

I recycle except when I don’t
I don’t kill, except when I do
I don’t poison the earth, much
I reuse, donate, repurpose and trash things

I believe love is the answer
but some people/things irritate me
I’ve past wounds, biases, insecurities
I’m learning to love myself
I am many things

Today I’m just sitting with all that I am. I’m finally getting I’m not going to save the world, at least not today. I’m humbled. Maybe I just need to learn to live in harmony with myself, all of myself. And then refocus …I AM here in this moment. I know what to do in this moment. I am love. There is beauty all around me. The gift is this moment.

A Dark Place

Yesterday
I felt lonely
not alone
but lonely

An aching awareness
of me and empty space
all around me

Do I reach out?
Do I sink into it?
Neither choice
comfortable

Facing yourself is sometimes is hard. [Warning: a rant.] I’m a self declared loner, except I like one-on-one’s. My family is small and out of town. My friends have families they are engaged with. Do I see myself as an imposition if I reach out? I long for someone to reach out to me. Am I not welcoming? Yet, I don’t invite people over. Why? I say I don’t know how to entertain. Maybe I need to get over it, order pizza in for pity’s sake.

Joseph was my love and in so many ways my buffer in life. I guess it’s time to grow. But I don’t know how. Moving out of my comfort zone is moving into the unknown, full of perceived risks, rejection, and….. wait! STOP IT! I know moving into the unknown is also full of potential, new experiences, and the “more” of Life.

Darn it, once again, I’m being called to trust and focus on what’s possible, to let go of the old stories I tell myself. So I’m asking the Universe: “What can be better than this?”

And I wait and I smile…