The Genuine

Man, sometimes it takes a long time to sound like yourself.“ ~Miles Davis

When we start, we make sounds but we’re surrounded by others who are also making sounds. We listen. They tell us how to play, tell us what we should sound like. They argue among themselves about the right way to play. So we play. If we can, we play with others. Some of us find ourselves playing in a jazz group, others in a symphony, others in an alley behind where we live, and still others play alone in the shelter of the woods.

Overtime we begin to notice what feels natural. Our music starts flowing through us. The notes start coming from deeper place, somewhere inside. And we begin to appreciate that this is what we’re here to play. It’s our music. We appreciate other’s music but we don’t try to play like them. And we don’t tell them to play like us.

We develop confidence, not because others approve or because they change but because we know it is our music to play regardless of results. This is faith.

Only in “the cave of the heart,” as the mystics are fond of calling it—does a person come in contact with his or her own direct knowingness. And only out of this direct knowingness is sovereignty born, one’s own inner authority.” —Cynthia Bourgeault

Click to get my musings: https://forms.aweber.com/form/29/2011751929.htm

Beyond Non-violence

Most people I know are against violence: physical attacks, murder, rape, emotional abuse, the “isms”…. Some are against war, the death penalty, cruelty to animals, destroying the earth….

But the absence of violence leaves a void. So this past month I’ve been sitting with the question, “What am I for (not against)?

I was hampered by my ”shoulds”. I should be an activist. I should be heading up projects. I should be “out there” making a difference.. But the longer I sat with the question, this is what came to me.

What I want to focus on and help create:
Efforts to connect people/kids to nature.
Efforts to connect people to themselves.
Self-expression and creativity in the arts and music.
The ability to see and relate to a person as who they are beyond stereotypes, preconceived notions and biases.

I need to accept who I am vs. who & how I think I should be. Mine to do on this planet will not solve all the injustices and serious problems and I’m learning it can’t and doesn’t have to. We are in this together. One more step on the journey.

So, what do you want to create? What are you for?

Letting go of what doesn’t serve you.

What am I letting go of?

Not being true to myself.
Fear of being vulnerable,
of being hurt
.

It’s easy to say this. But I’ve learned over the past year it’s hard to do. For starters, I have to really listen to who I am vs. what I’ve been conditioned to believe or what I perceive to be the expectations of others. But progress has been made, and it is time.

So this I am letting go of, and I’m opening to the new and what’s possible for me. And so it is!

Still There, Still Here

I want to be accepted as I am
My sadness, happiness, anger
Should not shame me
How I am, not how you need me
Not your projections, not
Your judgments

But what if I don’t accept myself?
If I don’t feel my body, it’s
Tightness, it’s pain
If I don’t notice my feelings
Or ask what I need—
I don’t exist.

I still battle going numb, not valuing myself, not noticing myself let alone connecting to others.
I fall into care taking, performing, helping others achieve.

Every time I cycle through this, at the end, I breathe. I let myself “be me” a little more. And, I start another new day.

OUT THE DOOR

Thoughts come and go
What is now is the treasure
Breathe, relax
This moment is sacred

I’ve started so many posts these past months and none of them made it to my website. This year went by at the speed of light. Insights came and then it was on to the next challenge. My past has been slowly moving out the door as I let go of things, old stories, cellular memories.

When I see how deeply some of my beliefs were held, I’ve gained compassion for those who are controlling, hurting others, unaware of who they truly are, of who we truly are. Compassion for those reacting to what scares them, to thoughts and feelings they can’t yet face. I exhale.

Today I’m letting go of “trying” and “Self-doubt”…both block me from staying in the moment, from opening to what’s to come. Again, not making something happen but rather opening to receive. Listening for the next step and taking it. It’s going to be an interesting year.

Waiting by Betsy Terrill

The Inconsistent Me

I am many things
the contemplative seeking meaning
the nature lover needing grass under my feet
the one who loves to go to museums
the wild bare foot dancer i

I love to be waited on
I’m independent
I’m a loner
I love being with you

I recycle except when I don’t
I don’t kill, except when I do
I don’t poison the earth, much
I reuse, donate, repurpose and trash things

I believe love is the answer
but some people/things irritate me
I’ve past wounds, biases, insecurities
I’m learning to love myself
I am many things

Today I’m just sitting with all that I am. I’m finally getting I’m not going to save the world, at least not today. I’m humbled. Maybe I just need to learn to live in harmony with myself, all of myself. And then refocus …I AM here in this moment. I know what to do in this moment. I am love. There is beauty all around me. The gift is this moment.

PEACE

I’m not who you want me to be
not your expectations of woman
not your ideal daughter
Not behaving the way you think I should
Not living in fear and self-judgment

I believe what I do
I feel what I feel
I let go of my stories, they’re history
I’m going to stop being embarrassed
because I’m happy and you aren’t

I’m accepting my body as it is
my sexuality and desires as they are
Being right here, right now
is taking on new meaning
because it’s true, I AM

This year has been about letting go of what I’m not. Of letting fall away what is not mine to have. It’s been about being at peace in the middle of chaos, anger, distortions and the fear all around us. It’s been about learning to not blame anything outside of me for what I’m feeling inside.

These changes have been unfolding all year. They are the precious gifts given to me this year.
So this Christmas, I’m choosing peace. acceptance of what is, faith in what I cannot know, trust in mySelf and most importantly trust in this Divine Love, Intelligence, Presence that surrounds me.

I wish for all of you Peace and Happiness. Merry Christmas!