Clashing Notes

A note of dissonance
entered the relationship
Notice the offbeat moves
Note to self: it’s over!

besliter 9/5/2019
Poem was written in response to Medium prompt: Note by Fierce Force

Relationships are a mix of our own projections and experiences and those of others.

I wonder if we can ever see someone clearly, without wishful thinking, assumptions, judgements, beliefs.

And even more importantly, can we have the courageous conversations to check out our perceptions? Or, do we just take action based on them?

In this world of polarized opinions/judgments/beliefs, our handling of dissonance seems even more important. So, what will I do……

Texting

Sr. Paula Gonzales

Good for data transfer
“I’m here at the back table”
“Running 10 min. late”
“What was the address again”

Or for “I’m thinking of you”
“Good Morning”
“You’re in my prayers”

But not for conversation.
There’s no intimacy,
you can multitask.

If you want to talk
I want your full attention
Your heart not just thoughts

I’m greedy about what
I want from my friends, and
I’m rich because they give it.

Illusion Confusion

What am I trusting?
overwhelmed with images
words that divide,
categorize, demean

pulling out of my own
dysfunction
what do i trust
whom do i trust

the world is filled with
pain, alienation, hunger
for not just food but
love, acceptance

looking out, looking in
emotional tornadoes
swirling dust
blocking vision

Only now, writing
do I remember
Focus on what is true
One Life, One Love

And know that Love
brings us through
lifts us up and ALWAYS
guides us if we listen.

In my head, my mind can’t figure it all out. Reading/watching the news is disorienting at best, painful at worst. The chaos, the push toward separation, excluding “the other”, blame, anger, racism, sexism, and more “isms” than I can learn. The suffering of those surviving floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, children at borders, that face of the woman hunched in the doorway lost, scared, hopeless…

Overwhelmed, my mind stops functioning. Fear starts to rise. My ego “i” can’t handle it.
I’m reminded I have to stop, go in and listen for that still, small Voice. The voice of God, Divine Intelligence, the Universe, unconditional love, Christ… I need to remember what is most important and trust it will lead me to right action. Trust….such a small word, such a huge shift in being.

Broken

I’m mad that you are not getting it.
Can’t you see the pattern?
Over and over again?
Getting the same results?
Running won’t get you anywhere.
You need to dig deep and find the
courage to face his lies about you.
To trust you aren’t what he tells you,
not even what you tell yourself.
Dad’s winning
I am so angry, so helpless.
Three glasses of wine aren’t helping.
What do I do?
Where’s my center?
It’s my pattern over
and over again.
Hilarious!
We are joined at the hip.

Beliefs

Beliefs about the world,
God and ourselves
Shaping our lives
coloring our perceptions
determining our experience

Some beliefs known
others lying hidden
in cellular memory
to be unraveled
like a Gordian Knot

Slowly cutting the string
they’re brought to light
where in consciousness,
examined, we can decide
Is it true?

I’ve been in touch with the power of our beliefs for some time. Beliefs influence our perception, both what what we see and how we see it. And, as a result, beliefs determine our experience of things.

I’ve known my belief “themes”, for lack of a better word, for some time. Mainly “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t play with the ‘big guys’.” I’ve learned with help to see the consequences of such beliefs, e.g., self-sabotage, self doubt…. But I never felt a real shift.

Recently, in my work with visioning and meditation (translation, a form of prayer and listening to the small voice within), I received the core of what’s been driving me: “I was rejected by family, God, it was a done deal, there’s no use trying.”
Note: My family would be horrified to know what conclusions I came to as a very young girl. I’ve long sense done the work of understanding and forgiving those involved. Still, the belief was operating out of sight in my cellular memory. It’s what unrecognized beliefs do.

So, when this belief came to me and resonated so deeply, I knew it was what’s been driving me. With the consciousness I hold now, I could see it is not true and never was. I feel lighter. It has lost its power over me.

We all have stories. We all have hidden beliefs. I want to testify that we can be free of them. Be free to love more fully ourselves and others. And so it is.

What Do You See?

If you don’t look too closely
it’s perfect, the riot of colors
the hopeful Spring in bloom

The Butterweed looks intentional
the migrated Goldenrod fills in holes
the wild grasses soften the sharp edges

Only up close when you pick out
the unwanted clover and ground elder
thin the uncontrolled growth of lamb’s ears

Only when you look closely and decide
“not that, not here” does dissatisfaction
start to drain the magnificence of what you see.

This Spring brought to mind the John Cage quote, “What makes you think I’m not something you like?” I wonder, at what point are we blinded to the beauty around us because we’re too busy getting rid of what we don’t like. Are we too conditioned as to what is acceptable, beautiful, worth having?

I think it’s a really good question if you can dig deep enough to get past all that you’ve learned, past what you think is socially acceptable for no good reason other than conformity. I’m beginning to ask: “What do I love?” vs. judging what I don’t like. It’s got forward movement and opens my heart. We’ll see…


“What makes you think I’m not something you like?”

Perfection

[When we don’t like what is going on in our lives, around us….]

Perfection

What if where we are is exactly
where we’re supposed to be?

The result of past decisions and
beliefs we held so dearly as true…

It’s the chance for us to really look,
to see clearly what we’ve co-created

and choose differently.

Everything I react to is but a mirror
of the inner world I live in.

Reacting is seeded in fear,
my world, my self, what I care about
is threatened.

Only Love can respond anew.

Love can say “no, stop, enough”…
but love never loses itself in rage or fear.

Love knows the God spark
in every situation,
in everyone,
in me.

What if we are exactly where
we’re supposed to be?

Emergence

No longer used
his bookcase is gone.
Space waiting.

The futility of clinging.
Change
has happened.

“Peaceful Form” by Thomas A. Yano

Life’s flow
rearranges things…
Always creating anew.

The emerging Self
begins to surface.
Found treasure.

Between

Words don’t comfort me
My sense of self is fading
My mind stalls
Fear of rejection,
need for approval
seep out in the confusion.

I know this is a test.
Giving up or standing
in the truth of who
I am beyond conditioning,
beyond the fears ,
beyond the comfortable.

Trust ….I never used to
Now I do but still…….
I’m restless
How hard can it be
to rewire a brain? a heart?
a life?

A period of dormancy – a seed waiting:
“It turns out that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grow into a hundred-year-old tree: there are only ways that work and ways that do not.

A seed knows how to wait. Most seeds wait for at least a year before starting to grow; a cherry seed can wait for a hundred years with no problem. What exactly each seed is waiting for is known only to that seed. Some unique trigger-combination of temperature-moisture-light and many other things is required to convince a seed to jump off the deep end and take its chance—to take its one and only chance to grow…

…When you are in the forest, for every tree that you see, there are at least a hundred more trees waiting in the soil, alive and fervently wishing to be…
from “Lab Girl “ by Hope Jehren

 

Thanks to Improvised Life for this reminder: https://www.improvisedlife.com/2016/06/13/the-secret-treasure-within-lab-girl/

“Love will find a way” from the Dancing Princesses musical.

My New Year resolution:

To choose each morning to
listen for Love’s guidance
To choose to remember
the Divine in all of us,
To remember that
God does not mess with us

Rather we just get lost :
Taking in the words of others
Replaying memories that bind
letting looming fears freeze us cold.
Making judgments and comparisons
separating ourselves from ourselves
and from others.

Instead I choose to remember:
God whispers in our hearts giving us the next step
Saying “what’s real is only what is here now”
released from the drama of the past
and the fears of what’s not yet happened
Joy hovers in the quiet space of now
Play your part, let the rest go
Trust Me
Love will find a way.

I feel this is a sacred time for me. As opposed to rushing in and filling my time, I’m allowing myself to go slowly. To listen to what I really want to do and to not do things just because I’m asked or they show up. In a way, the project I’m dedicated to is my own becoming. The major shifts in my life over the past 4 years have shaken things up. And I’m realizing what a gift that can be. To life: its beauty, complexity and possibilities!