Permission to Suffer

At night
I won’t let myself
feel the loneliness.

How much can you eat
or drink?
Not enough it turns out.

Time heals––not.
It’s letting yourself feel
what there is to feel.

But I don’t want to!
Not at night, not when
the emptiness overpowers.

I’m giving myself permission to suffer. If you resist what is, you suffer. But how much easier it can be to suffer then to accept what is. Especially the feelings; feeling lost, alone, disoriented, sad, scared….
It’s month #8 and the being alone in the evening, and on long drives, is even more intense. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve gone back over my posts and they seem like variations on the same themes. How do you stay true to yourself, find yourself, just be with whatever is happening. Simple things are sometimes the hardest. And so it is with just letting yourself feel. Oh well, I’m learning I can pay attention, but I can’t seem to make it all go away. Wait! wanting it to go away, that’s resistance isn’t it?
and the beat goes on…..

Living the mystery

“Scientists live in mystery every day of our lives … People are uncomfortable not knowing, not the scientists. I’m fine. We don’t know what it is. [We] keep checking it out.” astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson*

Living with not knowing
Not assuming what others think
or what their past has been
Not judging good or evil
Not comparing self to others.

Worries reveal themselves as imaginary
From the middle of disaster, compassion is shown
After cruelty, forgiveness cracks open hearts
Our wounds source our growth
Nothing is entirely as it seems.

Everything real is now
It’s going on in this moment
Act if you’re called, but don’t rest
keep checking, always
knowing you don’t.

*http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/20/us/neil-degrasse-tyson-ufos-new-day-cnntv/index.html

5.5

I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.

You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.

How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.

How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.

Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.

So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
      …..me.

Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.

Dostadning*

Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?

Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that

I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?

If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?

It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.

“In Swedish, the word is “dostadning” and it refers to the act of slowly and steadily decluttering as the years go by, ideally beginning in your fifties (or at any point in life) and going until the day you kick the bucket. The ultimate purpose of death cleaning is to minimize the amount of stuff, especially meaningless clutter, that you leave behind for others to deal with.”

Reading Headlines

A somber evolutionary thought.
When life becomes an Instagram opportunity,
or a chance to tweet a one liner,
our ability to hold complexity and interrelationship
diminishes in proportion to our need for publicity.

Diminishes with our seeking answers that fit with what
we believe we know to be true and worth defending.
So Creation appears to stall as we battle it out,
when maybe, it’s really weeding out the weak links.
And just maybe, right now, the human race is one.

But this should have a happy ending, an inspirational
cuddle to make us hopeful and feel safe.
But God allows nature to evolve, species that
can’t adapt to living in relationship and
diversity die out.

Plants, animals, amphibians are humble.
They play their role, dying so another can live.
Accepting what is, they find ways to co-exist,
and even to thrive off each other without destroying
the whole…..
We’ve got a lot to learn….Are you willing ?

Can we stay curious, let go of cherished beliefs?
Stand the ground of not knowing: break open?
Connect with those who see the opposite?
Trust a third way will emerge if we can let go of being right?
It’s then that the Joy of Life can move through us.
The ultimate  “happy ending.”

The ring came off

Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.

I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.

A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there.

You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised

The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.

Sugar High

Never walk
into Servati’s
eyeing their
generous wedge

of carrot cake
convincing yourself
it will last at least
three days.

Denial does not
stop the calories
from going to
your hips.

It does not numb
you out enough,
you still feel, yep
you still feel.

It did taste pretty
darn good though.
A small consolation
to be savored.

And Religious Freedom is…..?

Warning: Written after reading about, and pondering, Trump’s draft on defining religious freedom. This post is blasphemous. It may offend you. Don’t read it. I just have to write it.

Sometimes I think the human species is like a fetus: full of potential. But, if the Life that holds it decides, it can be ended.

Like spoiled children we will fight to the death over our special knowing of God and His truth. We cannot conceive of a God bigger than our own religion, our own experience; it’s too scary. We have to be right, others have to be wrong. Complexity makes us uneasy, angry even.

We’ve grown in technology, our economy has spread across oceans, our science has discovered constellations and black holes….yet, we cling to our small notion of God. He couldn’t have blessed the Christian, the Buddhist, the Hindu, and of course not the Muslim, right? And the traditions of Native Indians? Well they were primitive, and in the wrong place at the wrong time.

We hold to the belief that there is only one path to God. And that path is, of course, through our particular Savior, Prophet, Enlightened One. We can’t even consider that God might delight in being discovered in a temple, in an ashram, a cathedral, a mosque or even just in silence. We can’t consider the possibility that He can send His Son with no intention of setting Him up in competition with Buddha.   We forget that all of life, all over the globe is His creation. Our God is small….

We’re not content to live our beliefs. We must convince others they are wrong. And if they don’t agree, force them…through law, through domination. When religion marries government, it can only go off. A sign the fruits of our beliefs are so weak, living them is not enough. God’s justice is not enough. We must intervene.

Abortion is the hot button. Murder! Yet we manage to put it in a different category than all the other life/death choices made. Choices made according to the criteria we’ve determined are right: collateral damage happens; who gets the kidney;  when profit is more important then clean water/air. We have fought righteous wars over sugar, land, oil. We argue over whether should there be a death penalty. We eat meat because we can (we’ve dominion over them).  God evidently set it up so we’d have to make choices, deal with gray areas.  We don’t like it.  

I think it’s why we focus so determinedly on abortion. Here we can be self righteous in our interpretation of “Thou shalt not kill.”  It’s emotional – a baby after all (or a potential baby). In it’s defense, we can put aside the times when we’ve made trade-offs about which life matters most.  In a world that is complex and messy, maybe we need to grab onto something that doesn’t immediately affect us. It’s a relief to focus on someone else’s womb, someone else’s choice.

I realize the irony of this post, pushing my beliefs in the name of Truth, as others do theirs. People I respect, who are sincere in their beliefs. People who don’t believe we can coexist: that someone has to win, one religion and it’s laws dominate.  I hope they are wrong.

In the meantime, be true to yourself. I know I will.

Today is the Day

Words always compromise the experience we’re having. But we try anyway.Image result for inauguration day
What is being present: now, today? What is being aware, awake, fully alive? How do you experience it? What does all this mean in difficult times anyway?

TODAY’S THE DAY

Cheers erupt
in triumph.
Tears fall
in disappointment.
Fears hover in the
shadow of what’s to come.

But I feel a place
of stillness, just
Spacious Stillness.

From here I know
love in action.
From here I know
it’s only in our
wandering off
that we forget

we’re connected.
Mirrors for each other,
loved by the very Universe
we’re scared of.
Loved beyond our possessions,
successes, our failures.

Hell is not being crucified!
Jesus died in love,
connecting and forgiving.
He died showing us
how to live…
no matter what…

It’s all about the Love
you are, the Love that you can share.
the Love that’s beyond understanding.

Peace!

When the world spins out….

Thoughts while obsessing about the the craziness, best-non-american-actors-and-actresses-5
violence, and suffering of this world.

Inertia descends.
I fear movement
Will crack

something open and
Things will ooze out,
Or worse, maybe in….

Occupy time
Wait
Become invisible

But it’s not enough.
Searching for answers,
understanding fails.

I know how to set
goals, visualize.
I don’t.

Trapped, not
wanting to admit
the world is shaking.

geesebesliter 11/1/2016

Needless to say, obsessing is not useful, uplifting nor something to cultivate. It does happen. I strive to notice its effect and then, move on.