-- a journey into awareness
The sadness comes unbidden
Followed by anger flowing
Back into the abyss of sadness
Why is love so hard
My heart wants to split open but
I stop it
Staying caught in the cycle
Trying to stay in control
Will I ever learn?
Letting go, letting the tears come, feeling the losses, letting the world be as crazy as it is…. Keening is what I want to do but I don’t know how.
So, I let myself feel. Being in the moment can be hard sometimes.
I write this and wait…breathing, until it changes.
A simple word, yet
It had escaped me
I’m not alone, not a widow
I’m single!
Freeing in a way I don’t understand
Not wounded, not left behind
But standing as one, as ONE
Connecting deeply to myself
Connecting to a bigger whole
I’m free to start again with
New interests, friends…
As I am now…single.
In conversation with my friend Lee Ann, she said something. She didn’t see me alone, I was single. And something happened. I could feel an internal shift. I felt grounded.
I was myself again, rooted into the earth, free to blossom.
It’s crazy I know! But I’m going with the feeling, trusting this shift is real. Another stage in life, a continuation of this incredible journey. Joseph is still with me, laughing I suspect and cheering me on. Love never stops even as life changes. And maybe nothing changes but me.
Anger bubble up
Always a surprise
Why am I so easily upset
Impatient, annoyed?
The energy of days past
Losses I think are not
controlled by the Calendar
seem to have their way with me.
Once again I connect the dots
And let myself feel the
Sadness, the loss, the
Anger at having been left.
I’m always surprised that when it gets near the dates that my daughter, Kelly (May12, 2016), and my husband, Joseph’s (May22, 2017), died that my emotions get weird. I’ve been irritable, even swearing in situations that might have been difficult before but now seem absolutely “NOT OK!!!!”.
At least I’m quicker to see what’s going on. So, here I am, allowing myself to feel the loss and, yes, the anger that I got left alone. Silly? No, human. Grief is what it is. I’m learning it is not always rational, but whatever I’m feeling is ok…I need to allow it, feel it, not tell more stories about it…just let it go.
To life, love and all it’s crazy paradoxes and mysteries.
“Nobility, in the Buddhist sense, means releasing ourselves from the social constructs that blind us to the truth, positioning ourselves to receive the truth, accept the truth, and learn to live equanimously with the truth.” *
Releasing each thread that binds
leaving less mass, less…
until there is just me and what I see
what my hands feel
the sounds and smells around me.
Less anchored but more connected
Is it enough? Or maybe, is it all there is?
Things in my life are beginning to shift. Four years 5 months after losing Joseph, something is opening up and, somethings are dropping away. I’ve yet to refill my bookcases after moving my office into what was Joseph’s…I step around the many boxes of books in the dining room, not sure what to carry forward. I like the empty shelves. It’s as if they’re waiting for something, as if they are enjoying the space.
Well, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I can’t force or rush what wants to happen. And for the first time, I’m at peace with it.
………………..
* “Buddhism as a Path of Trauma Resilience for Anti-Racism Activists,” editors’ introduction to Black & Buddhist: What Buddhism Can Teach Us about Race, Resilience, Transformation and Freedom, ed. Pamela Ayo Yetunde and Cheryl A. Giles (Shambhala: 2020), 2, 3. from Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation, 11/9/21
All the flying
bumping into things
being screamed at
knocked down by rain…
yet, we kept going.
They mated on my driveway. I’m not sure it was the most romantic setting but then again I don’t think that was one of their criteria. If there was a thought, it was probably more like “Wow, we survived. Let’s get it together.” True, it was less a choice and more of being driven instinctively to come together and propagate. Still, it made me reflect.
I wonder if I’m drawn in some unconscious way to ensure the survival of our human species? Is there some instinct or guidance system operating that hasn’t been distorted by my capacity to think; to focus on “me” (my health, wealth, importance, happiness), on my tribe/class/group? Is our ability to not care about the human species as a whole a flaw or just a developmental step while we consciously figure out that we are all in this together?
What we do today affects others and will affect the life of future generations. The question is, deep down, do we really care? Care enough to really change, be inconvenienced and uncomfortable. To really care what happens half way across the world let alone the other side of the city. Do we, I, care enough?
I want you to be Joseph
to hold me in your arms
and complete me.
But I know the time has come.
I must look inside to realize,
I am whole.
Joseph’s birthday is Oct. 12th. I am surprised at the sadness that has enveloped me. I deeply miss what we had together. I know that moving forward means integrating those parts of me he brought to life — the sense of adventure, my femininity, never meeting a stranger…
It happens — one day at a time!
Life is a journey of awakening, of shedding what we were trained to be, of being willing to open to the mystery of what is now and of what will be.
I am grateful!
I used to check
my calendar
for names:
B for birthday
AN for anniversary–
triggers to send a card
to remember
how our lives
intertwine.
When did I start
putting “D” by names?
It’s aging they say,
loss is part of it.
But knowing doesn’t
soften the sharp edges
of the missing pieces.
“God fills the holes”
“Reinvent yourself”
“Time to turn inward….”
But I stare at the “D”s
and wonder….
overwhelmed
by the mystery,
the fragility,
the preciousness
of Life.
.
Mortality haunts me.
At a time I need
to reach out
I’m shrinking.
I pull away from
connecting.
Fear of loss?
Illness seems
to surround me
Another one down.
Loss hangs in the air
reflected in the unsteady
steps of those I
would love.
I need to resurrect
my curiosity, my interest
in the world
But its decay saddens me.
Relationships take time
to nurture and deepen.
I should buck up
move on, instead,
lost in the mundane
I’m disappearing.