No longer used
his bookcase is gone.
Space waiting.
The futility of clinging.
Change
has happened.
“Peaceful Form” by Thomas A. Yano
Life’s flow
rearranges things…
Always creating anew.
The emerging Self
begins to surface.
Found treasure.
Emergence
May 2, 2018 by
Reminders
February 11, 2018 by
Permission to Suffer
January 10, 2018 by
At night
I won’t let myself
feel the loneliness.
How much can you eat
or drink?
Not enough it turns out.
Time heals––not.
It’s letting yourself feel
what there is to feel.
But I don’t want to!
Not at night, not when
the emptiness overpowers.
I’m giving myself permission to suffer. If you resist what is, you suffer. But how much easier it can be to suffer then to accept what is. Especially the feelings; feeling lost, alone, disoriented, sad, scared….
It’s month #8 and the being alone in the evening, and on long drives, is even more intense. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’ve gone back over my posts and they seem like variations on the same themes. How do you stay true to yourself, find yourself, just be with whatever is happening. Simple things are sometimes the hardest. And so it is with just letting yourself feel. Oh well,
I’m learning I can pay attention, but I can’t seem to make it all go away. Wait! wanting it to go away, that’s resistance isn’t it?
and the beat goes on…..
Shame repressed
November 26, 2017 by
He had to go
for me to grow.
Sheltered by his love
Buoyed by his support
my own self doubt,
self hatred was repressed,
waiting to emerge
with a roar.
Puzzled by my pulling in,
my numbing out at night.
Feeling as if I didn’t want
to go on alone.
The self rejection had surfaced
muddying everything
I saw.
I didn’t feel worthy to be
held and comforted.
I didn’t feel worthy of God’s
love, of my own love.
I was the
seven year old
shamed
feeling lost and alone
and I got it!
Epilogue: I’d been getting the message from Joseph that I shouldn’t attache the love I felt for him, and from him, to him. That it was a reflection of the Divine Love we embody. My head understood the words, but my heart didn’t believe it. I prayed to understand.
I didn’t understand until I learned that what we repress waits for our attention and for release. The repressed shame was trying to get my attention. I saw where I was stuck (yes, a seven year old) and I could let it go. A feeling of peace I haven’t felt for months descended. I am blessed. I am thankful.
The dark night of the soul-again
September 26, 2017 by
I ask for your forgiveness and for your prayers
I’m lost, angry, hurt, alone, judging, floating
More tears, more renting of clothes as I wonder
why, what’s the point….
Where does the knowing go?
This is the “life sucks” part –
we are blind to the hurt of others
we separate ourselves convinced
we are different
we deserve what we have, it’s not us
blaming, scapegoating, making fun of
thinking these are all acceptable behaviors
Self righteous we are appalled
at those that tweet their hates.
But then I remember the mirror
that life is, and I see
Edvard Munch, The Scream
I’m resenting that others have,
what I’ve lost. I want to scream at them!
And I know, this is being tormented by the devil,
so I ask for forgiveness and for your prayers.
I pray for the return of LOVE.
What goes in the “to go” bag?
September 9, 2017 by
If you have to flee
what do you take?
credit cards, cash?
clean underwear?
What if you can’t get
the cat in his carrier
could you leave him
and ever be at peace?
My things are scattered
tucked into files and drawers
in the basement and closets
sort of like me these days.
What goes in the “To go” bag?
Is it what you cherish,
what you need to survive?
your fears, hopes, dreams?
When things are gone,
when what’s taken
for granted like gas, electricity
food, goes missing
what are you left with?
People encountered
along the way,
shared experiences
and of course, yourself
without the trimmings
without the props you rely on.
What do you carry with you?
You keep getting surprised
August 20, 2017 by
You fear that your mourning will
be less interesting, even annoying
to those around you as time passes.
Even as the explosions in your heart
continue to erupt, the loss hitting harder.
“When someone you love dies, … you don’t lose him all at once; you lose him in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and his scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in his closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of him that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that he’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” adapted from “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” by John Irving
It feels true that you lose someone in pieces,
You see a river where you might have wandered with him,
just walking, hanging out together. And suddenly, you’re
pulled into a quicksand of sadness, sinking uncontrollably.
You have no idea how to be without him.
The realization surprises you.
How did you get so dependent?
or maybe, How did you get so comfortable?
so comfortable with how things were, until they weren’t, and
you’re roughly tossed into this broiling confusion: who are you now?
The ring came off
August 11, 2017 by
Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.
I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.
A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there. 
You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised
The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.
Old haunts and hauntings
August 2, 2017 by
I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.
I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.
The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.
The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.
I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.
Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.
Not Him
July 26, 2017 by
I was getting annoyed with my neighbor.
I’d invite him to visit ,
then get cynical/argumentative.
What was going on?
Another friend sat with me.
She listened as I put the question
out there…waiting.
The answer came,
“He’s not Joseph.”
The tears followed.
It wasn’t the Presence I knew
the Presence I expected
the Presence I so loved.
I keep discovering ways I miss him
Even as I feel him with me
go figure…
‘cause I can’t.
P.S. This isn’t about my neighbor whom I truly like. It’s just what happened. I continue to allow the feelings to flow through me the best I can, trusting that it is as it should be. Being willing to see, to feel in the moment, even when it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing, is to me being here now. It allows me to release the thoughts/emotions so I can come closer to touching the silence within. So be it.