Mothers (grieving and processing continues)

July 4, 2016 by

MOTHERSMothers Day Clip Art 2015, Acrostic Poem Template For Kids |

birth mothers,
earth mothers
stepmothers

awkward roles assigned
archetypes embodied
stereotypes enacted

primal roots
patriarchy
tribal law

we carry bits & pieces
cluttering the present
with long forgotten fears

Maybe three years ago, Kelly decided she wanted to call me Mom. We agreed, but I had no idea what that would mean to me as time went on.  That simple word turned out to make demands, stir fears I didn’t know I had, and trigger roles I didn’t know I would take on…

Nurturing Mother: As her disease progressed there were times she needed a nurturing mother, not a stepmother, not a friend. She wanted the “just hold me and make it all better” mother.  The mother she needed when she was 3, 10 or 13 years old, but never had because of her birth mother’s illness. And worse, I couldn’t be that for her. I’m not a cuddler. I just learned how not to duck when a friend goes to kiss me. I can hug. But what I am wasn’t enough. I felt lacking in the deepest way. I’ve been working through my own sense of shame (I just  figured out it is shame)  that I wasn’t more in those times. It’s getting better.

Responsible/socializing Mother: And then there were those times I responded to “mom” by trying to socialize her (a little late in the game). She felt criticized, and she was. The unconditional love she needed was absent. On reflection what surfaced were primal fears of distant times when daughters who violated the tribal norms were stoned.  Free spirits were not rewarded. It was dangerous.  Mothers who failed were shamed.
Where did this deep compulsion, this tribal consciousness for conformity come from?  My Mother’s version was “What will the neighbors think?”.  How many generations has this fear been passed along, unconscious, under the guise of being a good mother? How did I not know?
Once seen I could shift and that surprised me as well. Awareness again brings freedom.

Mom: And then there were all the times when she was just my daughter, my heart open. heart energyIt was clean, without old tapes. It was love.  For these times, nothing much needs to be said. Actually, nothing much can be said. Those times just were. Love just is.

Life’s gifts: My time with Kelly was, and is, humbling. I saw how much I could give, but also how much I couldn’t. I was a doer. My caring could have a sharp edge. I’ve had to remind myself over and over, we’re all full of paradoxes and imperfections, and to not discount what I had to offer because of the things I couldn’t. I’ve had to learn to stop trying to fix me, so I could stop trying to fix everyone else. Self-Acceptance! Sounds so simple. I’m closer as a result of my time with Kelly: greater awareness and greater acceptance, even of what is unfinished….not bad.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom Tagged With: , , , , ,

The .04 difference

February 15, 2014 by

In .04 seconds, what can happen?

A  smile;
A knife cut;
A bee sting;
A “thank you” said;
You’re on or off  the podium.

Last night in the Women’s Olympic Skeletal event, Katie Uhlaender, United States, lost the Bronze medal to Elena Nikitina, Russia, by 0.04 seconds; that’s 4/100 of a second.

Elena Nikitina, Bronze

In what seemed like an eye blink, Katie, a great athlete, was off the podium.

World class athletes are used to winning or losing by seconds. Competing at that level, they know everything counts. They train and give their all knowing some small movement, a sudden wind, a distraction, rough spot, or something else they can’t control could make the .04 difference. Yesterday it did and Elena, another great athlete, won.

It made me wonder, where in my life could there be a “.04 difference”?  And more importantly, how would I go forward when it happened? Uhlaender vowed to rebound.

Katie UhlaenderKatie Uhlaender

Here’s to great athletes everywhere! Who keep doing what they love. Sochi Olympics, February, 2014

 

 

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage Tagged With: , ,

Fixing isn’t always what I want

February 6, 2013 by

Two years ago a candle melted on our fireplace stone mantle. I tried everything anyone suggested to get it up. I scraped, ironed over a brown paper bag to soak up excess wax, used degreasers, and finally carburetor cleaner to get the oily stain out. All suggestions were unsuccessful, many gave me a headache.DSC02414 - Version 2

I explored going to a local stone place to replace the worse section but I’m not doing it. Seeing the stain still bothers me!  WHY am I not taking action?

As I was berating myself for not getting it off my “to do” list the other day, it dawned on me:  I was solving a problem, not creating something I wanted. Yes, the stain bothered me, but I don’t particularly like the mantle. There is no energy around fixing it.  I’d fallen into the trap of fixing a problem (I really should…) vs. creating what I want.

So now I’m exploring what a different mantle might look like. I’ll create it or decide to live with what I have. Either way it’ll be a clean choice and will free energy that’s been trapped in the “I’ve got to get this fixed” mode for the past two years.
Creating works! Shoulds?…Well, not so much.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, We are creators Tagged With: ,

Lessons of a Creator: #4

August 22, 2012 by

Our thinking minds are heavily influenced by what we’ve been taught, our beliefs about how things work, and our assumptions about people. These, too often, lead to worry, judgment, and fears that distort what we think is happening, and limit what we think is possible.

As a creator, I learned I had to go beyond what my “head” can do for me. That led me to lesson #5…

Filed Under: Fear or Courage, Perception, We are creators Tagged With: , , ,

Lessons of a Creator: #3

August 18, 2012 by

Most of us really don’t really believe what we want matters. But it’s the first step in learning we are creators. We start by wanting something, which leads us to learn about the creating process itself.  We begin to trust that we can have what we want. And, it’s only then, that  we can hear the invitation to go deeper: to listen to the silence, to step off the edge of what we thought was possible. In Alice of Wonderland’s terms, we fall down the rabbit hole– running into paradoxes, living  bigger questions, losing the world we thought we knew so well.


 

Filed Under: Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, The Creating Process, We are creators Tagged With: , ,

Life is like cooking

May 20, 2012 by

“The only stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking, you have to have a ‘what-the-hell’ attitude.” Julia Child

I’ve been taking a course on flavorings. Yes, a cooking course by the Kitchen Coach Randie Flaig, that was designed to bring our attention to the whole world of flavor. We learned what makes up our perception of flavor, for example, texture, smell, temperature, weight & mass, memories.  She showed us how to add flavor starting with the obvious salt, pepper and spices. She went on, showing us how to enhance flavor with cooking techniques like roasting, searing, and blackening; sauces like reductions and glazes; and special techniques such as repeating ingredients in different forms, for example, lemon zest and lemon juice.

I learned wonderful new words like “Umami” (foods which enrich and round out flavors) and the Maillard Reaction (a chemical reaction from heating certain foods that enhances flavor). But I learned most by watching her.

I watched as she would start with a vegetable or piece of meat or fish and add salt & pepper and maybe a spice. Then she’d taste it and have us taste. “What else does it need?” she’d ask. We’d suggest something which she’d put in, and again, we’d all taste.

Sometimes it would go in the wrong direction and we’d have to figure out what to do. She was clear that great cooking required continued tasting, correcting as you go, and having a “what-the-hell” attitude. Timidity didn’t cut it.

How like life I thought. For it to be interesting you have to experiment. For it to be fulfilling you have to give your heart to it.  And as with all creating, you start with an intention to do or make something. You have to keeping checking where you are and notice when you aren’t where you thought you’d be. You learn to course correct. Sometimes you end up in a different place but one just as good or even better. And sometimes you just have to remember to keep a “what-the-hell” attitude. After all, there’s always another dish to make.

Filed Under: Fear or Courage, Intention, The Creating Process Tagged With: , , , ,
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