SINGLE

A simple word, yet
It had escaped me
I’m not alone, not a widow
I’m single!

Freeing in a way I don’t understand
Not wounded, not left behind
But standing as one, as ONE
Connecting deeply to myself

Connecting to a bigger whole
I’m free to start again with
New interests, friends…
As I am now…single.

In conversation with my friend Lee Ann, she said something. She didn’t see me alone, I was single. And something happened. I could feel an internal shift. I felt grounded.
I was myself again, rooted into the earth, free to blossom.

It’s crazy I know! But I’m going with the feeling, trusting this shift is real. Another stage in life, a continuation of this incredible journey. Joseph is still with me, laughing I suspect and cheering me on. Love never stops even as life changes. And maybe nothing changes but me.

Still There, Still Here

I want to be accepted as I am
My sadness, happiness, anger
Should not shame me
How I am, not how you need me
Not your projections, not
Your judgments

But what if I don’t accept myself?
If I don’t feel my body, it’s
Tightness, it’s pain
If I don’t notice my feelings
Or ask what I need—
I don’t exist.

I still battle going numb, not valuing myself, not noticing myself let alone connecting to others.
I fall into care taking, performing, helping others achieve.

Every time I cycle through this, at the end, I breathe. I let myself “be me” a little more. And, I start another new day.

The Void

The past months
Flying by
Thoughts come
And go

Everything is happening
Nothing is happening
How can that be?
I’m left with just “this”

The “now” of it
It’s changing so fast
I’m forced to let go, and
Then, peace reveals itself

I’ve not written in the past few months. It’s not that things haven’t happened. A cousin getting cancer, friends needing help with health issues, a sister with CO poisoning, world events, endless political drama, overload of emails, Russia/Ukraine, and it goes on and on and on.

But as I learn to let it all go, pay attention to what’s in front of me, and listen to what I’m called to follow up on, something has been shifting. There’s a peace in all the chaos. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me that I’m not more upset…but I’m not.

Is this the “Peace beyond understanding”…the one that comes from inside, from that wiser place?

The Storm

The wind whipped around and through
The tree limbs followed, wildly dancing
Swaying, twisting, bowing

I felt Thunder in my bones
“Danger, go inside”
But in awe I couldn’t leave

Powerful, wild, alive
My heart was drawn in
Connected to this dance of life

This storm was trying to tell me something. In the chaos and tragedy going on these days, what do I see? What does my heart connect to? Is there always a choice between fear/anger and something more? Is there always beauty in the chaos?

I’m being told to move away from either/or, right/wrong, good/evil. Can I hold it all?

The Deluge

The heavy rains came
Even the thorned Barberry
Bowed down under the weight
Gray days hovered
Everything heavy

Then this morning
in the soaked grass
The bare dandelions
seeds washed away
became Starbursts

These times are hard. After Friday’s storm, the Roofer came and checked. He said the fallen tree limb hadn’t damaged the roof.
This morning City Workers filled the potholes in front of my drive.
And today once again, mothers are mourning their dead children and
communities the loss of their cherished members.

The routine of life cut open by the horror of killing, rooted in prejudice, racism, and the acts of the wounded who are acting out their trauma and illness on others.
I pray to experience what the mind cannot define or comprehend; the love of God that can hold all of this.

I pray that I remember we are all connected, that there is no “other” unless I close may heart.
I strive to avoid language and words that create the illusion of separation: e.g., they, whites, blacks, liberals, conservatives…. Labels that lump people into faceless boxes that are too easy to dismiss and belittle.

I strive to love myself and to learn what it means to love others: starting with accepting and seeing the person as they are and who they are. “And may that love move me to co-create justice and well-being for all.” bell hooks

One Earring

One earring lost
Always from a favorite pair
The one “left behind” a tease
Reminding me of what was

There’s always the hope you’ll find it. This one has to be in the house. Or does it? How long have I been walking around with one earring? Does anyone notice? Why is it always my favorite pair? Why does this happen!!!!

Simplistically, maybe the answer is “Hey you, be more careful!”
But maybe, the loss is a reminder that the things you love can disappear at any time.
It’s a reminder to slow down, to really see & enjoy, to pay attention.

Life is precious. Even little things are gifts. May I take the time to enjoy, appreciate, to love…. May I take nothing for granted, even my earings.

After I wrote this blog, I received this from a dear friend:
“No amount of regret changes the past.
No amount of anxiety changes the future.
Any amount of gratitude changes the present.”

If I’d learned anything, it was to be sure you know what you don’t know. It’s too easy to think you know everything, because then you fill in the blanks of knowledge with supposition and convince yourself that it’s the same as hard fact.

— Jackie Swaitkowski in The Ice Cap by Chris Knopf

OUT THE DOOR

Thoughts come and go
What is now is the treasure
Breathe, relax
This moment is sacred

I’ve started so many posts these past months and none of them made it to my website. This year went by at the speed of light. Insights came and then it was on to the next challenge. My past has been slowly moving out the door as I let go of things, old stories, cellular memories.

When I see how deeply some of my beliefs were held, I’ve gained compassion for those who are controlling, hurting others, unaware of who they truly are, of who we truly are. Compassion for those reacting to what scares them, to thoughts and feelings they can’t yet face. I exhale.

Today I’m letting go of “trying” and “Self-doubt”…both block me from staying in the moment, from opening to what’s to come. Again, not making something happen but rather opening to receive. Listening for the next step and taking it. It’s going to be an interesting year.

Waiting by Betsy Terrill

Nobility

“Nobility, in the Buddhist sense, means releasing ourselves from the social constructs that blind us to the truth, positioning ourselves to receive the truth, accept the truth, and learn to live equanimously with the truth.” *

Releasing each thread that binds
leaving less mass, less…
until there is just me and what I see
what my hands feel
the sounds and smells around me.

Less anchored but more connected
Is it enough? Or maybe, is it all there is?

Things in my life are beginning to shift. Four years 5 months after losing Joseph, something is opening up and, somethings are dropping away. I’ve yet to refill my bookcases after moving my office into what was Joseph’s…I step around the many boxes of books in the dining room, not sure what to carry forward. I like the empty shelves. It’s as if they’re waiting for something, as if they are enjoying the space.

Well, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I can’t force or rush what wants to happen. And for the first time, I’m at peace with it.

………………..

* “Buddhism as a Path of Trauma Resilience for Anti-Racism Activists,” editors’ introduction to Black & Buddhist: What Buddhism Can Teach Us about Race, Resilience, Transformation and Freedom, ed. Pamela Ayo Yetunde and Cheryl A. Giles (Shambhala: 2020), 2, 3. from Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation, 11/9/21

Turning

I’m turning a corner
What does that mean?
I don’t know

What’s next?
I don’t know

What now?
I trust

For the last few months things have been shifting. How? I can’t tell you. Some of it has been inner work as I release, at a deeper level, some of what I took on as a child and throughout my life that does not serve me. Hurts, self-doubt, fear of being seen, not believing I matter….all resurfacing so I can more consciously say, “I forgive myself and others. I let go. I just am.”

I’m learning to live in liminal space, the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next’.
I’m practicing becoming self aware vs self obsessed. Noticing the mental chatter, the mind busy planning, reacting, telling my story yet again. I then consciously breath and focus on doing whatever it is I’m doing. What’s my body feeling? Breath. Really see the carrot I’m cutting or the weeds I’m pulling. Breath. Feel whatever emotion arises but don’t start telling a story about it. Breath. And Life continues to unfold in me and around me.

Simply experiencing what is brings peace. I’m beginning to trust. I pay attention to the little surprises and notice how things work out in ways I couldn’t possibly expect (another blog). I continue to practice.

The Inconsistent Me

I am many things
the contemplative seeking meaning
the nature lover needing grass under my feet
the one who loves to go to museums
the wild bare foot dancer i

I love to be waited on
I’m independent
I’m a loner
I love being with you

I recycle except when I don’t
I don’t kill, except when I do
I don’t poison the earth, much
I reuse, donate, repurpose and trash things

I believe love is the answer
but some people/things irritate me
I’ve past wounds, biases, insecurities
I’m learning to love myself
I am many things

Today I’m just sitting with all that I am. I’m finally getting I’m not going to save the world, at least not today. I’m humbled. Maybe I just need to learn to live in harmony with myself, all of myself. And then refocus …I AM here in this moment. I know what to do in this moment. I am love. There is beauty all around me. The gift is this moment.