A Dark Place

July 4, 2021 by

Yesterday
I felt lonely
not alone
but lonely

An aching awareness
of me and empty space
all around me

Do I reach out?
Do I sink into it?
Neither choice
comfortable

Facing yourself is sometimes is hard. [Warning: a rant.] I’m a self declared loner, except I like one-on-one’s. My family is small and out of town. My friends have families they are engaged with. Do I see myself as an imposition if I reach out? I long for someone to reach out to me. Am I not welcoming? Yet, I don’t invite people over. Why? I say I don’t know how to entertain. Maybe I need to get over it, order pizza in for pity’s sake.

Joseph was my love and in so many ways my buffer in life. I guess it’s time to grow. But I don’t know how. Moving out of my comfort zone is moving into the unknown, full of perceived risks, rejection, and….. wait! STOP IT! I know moving into the unknown is also full of potential, new experiences, and the “more” of Life.

Darn it, once again, I’m being called to trust and focus on what’s possible, to let go of the old stories I tell myself. So I’m asking the Universe: “What can be better than this?”

And I wait and I smile…

Filed Under: Emotion, Life

The Affair Is Over

June 20, 2021 by

Living now in slits
hatching into mini nymphs
dropping to burrow into the earth
for the next 17 years.

My love affair with them is ending.
Out of sight, I will forget that they live on.
I’ll forget the wonder of the whole process.
I’ll forget, for the next 17 years.

The cicadas are moving along. For many people it is a relief. No more being startled when one flies at you. No more hearing the crunch of walking on their bodies. No more constant buzzing in the background.

Yet for me, it’s the end of participating in a largely unseen life cycle, one beyond my ability to really comprehend. We humans think we are so “in the know,” so important. Yet life exists, unseen, in all its variations and complexities all around us.

Zookeeper chad said, “What we don’t love, we don’t protect.”* What we can’t see, we can’t love. Or can we?

My prayer: May I learn to love the life I cannot see, the life I don’t understand and even the life I may be uncomfortable with.
May I open my heart and remember with each breath that all life, known and unknown, is sacred.
May I live in gratitude for all the life that is given us: to support us, delight us, puzzle us, and even, scare us at times. Amen.

Filed Under: cicadas, Life Tagged With:

At Last

June 14, 2021 by

All the flying
bumping into things
being screamed at
knocked down by rain…
yet, we kept going.

They mated on my driveway. I’m not sure it was the most romantic setting but then again I don’t think that was one of their criteria. If there was a thought, it was probably more like “Wow, we survived. Let’s get it together.” True, it was less a choice and more of being driven instinctively to come together and propagate. Still, it made me reflect.

I wonder if I’m drawn in some unconscious way to ensure the survival of our human species? Is there some instinct or guidance system operating that hasn’t been distorted by my capacity to think; to focus on “me” (my health, wealth, importance, happiness), on my tribe/class/group? Is our ability to not care about the human species as a whole a flaw or just a developmental step while we consciously figure out that we are all in this together?

What we do today affects others and will affect the life of future generations. The question is, deep down, do we really care? Care enough to really change, be inconvenienced and uncomfortable. To really care what happens half way across the world let alone the other side of the city. Do we, I, care enough?

Filed Under: cicadas, Creating with others, death, Life, Nature, We are creators Tagged With: , , ,

“More”

June 2, 2021 by

“You might notice that some cicadas have shriveled-up or otherwise damaged wings. Most of the time, their wings become damaged during the molting process (ecdysis), specifically while their wings harden (sclerotize). Their wings and body are most vulnerable when they are still soft.”*

Not all cicadas get to fly. They are most vulnerable when they are still soft, sort of like us. They get trampled by those who are stronger and faster. There are obstacles that prevent them from hanging the way they need to for their wings to harden. Sometimes, they are killed by predators, sometimes by those who are just scared and decide to step on them.

Seeing hundreds of cicadas living out their life cycle, driven by some unseen force, has me thinking. Cicadas live their life unaware, blindly competing and crawling over each other, trying to succeed, trying to get a chance to mate. Sometimes they are damaged though no fault of their own. Watching the human race, it can seem that a cicada’s life is way too much like our own. But watching the cicadas also reminds me…and I have hope.

Unlike cicadas, we can move beyond our basic instincts and power needs. We can question what we’ve come to believe about ourselves, others and the world . We can become more: more of who we really are, more self-accepting, more loving, more creative in solving the challenges of the world.

Cicadas may mirror how life too often is for us. However, they can also remind us that “more” is possible. I have hope.

*https://www.cicadamania.com/cicadas/why-do-some-cicadas-have-shriveled-up-or-damaged-wings/

Filed Under: Life, We are creators Tagged With: , ,

Good Friday

March 30, 2021 by
  • “Men are dogs,” he said as he proceeded to tell me I didn’t measure up to all the porn films he’d been watching.
  • “..troops fighting in the restive northern region of Tigray (Ethiopia) are using rape as a weapon of war.” The Week, April 2, 2021
  • “I had to be like a dude to survive…I would really love the opportunity to understand my own femininity in a safe environment. I’ve never had that. ” Sharon Stone from Parade, Sunday March 28-April 4, 2021
  • “…male staffers with the ruling Liberal-National coalition set up a Facebook Messenger group to share photos and videos of sex acts performed inside the Parliament House (Canberra, Australia) The Week, April 2, 1021

I get angry. I rage. My heart breaks. Sometimes I just don’t want to live….not in a world like this.

Who am I as a woman? What is a woman apart from sex, being a mother, daughter, whore, an “it”?…How has the world, lost in sin, defined me? How have I bought in?

“Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” Jesus Christ

If Jesus could forgive our ignorance, that of man and woman, can I forgive myself for denying myself, for submitting, for being a “dude” to succeed? Can I forgive the men who play out their conditioned role of domination, sex kings and patriarchy so well?

Good Friday is about love. About Jesus knowing the Divine Truth of who we are, even when we don’t have a clue. This is the first year I’m seeing the crucifixion as hopeful. I can feel my heart soften, unlock, as I ask “What could be better than this world we are currently living in?” And, standing in the midst of this world, have the faith that God might just show me.

Dali’s The Cross

My shift about Good Friday was inspired by A case for Holy Week (no prayers, just this…) by Nadia Bolz-Weber

Filed Under: Life, Love Tagged With: , , ,

COVID’s Fault

February 17, 2021 by

I’m in a codependent relationship.
He’s a control freak.
He calls. I see what he wants.
He expects treats. I give them.
Magnanimously, he cuddles with me,
……I’m hooked.

“Buddy”

Poem originally written in response to the Chalkboard prompt by Rhonda Marrone.

Filed Under: Life, Love, We are creators

Life Flows*

January 1, 2021 by

My Spirit
rises and falls
Riding the waves
’til it rests
in this place
of now…
in peace, in love,
in freedom.

I wish all of you a Happy New Year, knowing for each of you only the highest and best.

  • originally published in Medium 1/1/2021
Filed Under: Life, Love

Gratitude

November 26, 2020 by

Life gives us challenges and gifts
Sometimes in the same package
Teaching us what’s important
Showing us who we are
The Life we didn’t plan
I’m thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving, a day to speak out loud all that I’ve been blessed with.
As I look back, look around, I know my life has been guided by a Wisdom greater than my own. I’m more at peace, happier, and more present than I ever thought possible. Through the hard times and the many, many, many times I was less than perfect, I know I was guided.

I’ve come to believe there is a Divine plan. I’ve had help from so many teachers and friends. There were all those serendipitous interactions that unexpectedly gave me what I needed or that steered me in a certain direction I could have missed.

May I continue to let go of what no longer serves me, and more importantly, what was never true to begin with. May I let go of my investment in myself, and rest in the awareness of our interdependence and oneness (in God, the Divine, Jesus, Love….).

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Filed Under: Life, Oneness Tagged With: ,

Not in Control

September 11, 2020 by

I don’t control the seasons,
but I’m not helpless.
I walk on the ground with care.

I felt lost in sadness and almost a despair these last few days. And then this morning, when I was meditating, this poem came. Not being in control doesn’t mean I’m helpless.

A friend told me how great these times were because it was a chance to practice what we believe. In the midst of all the chaos and negativity, I can choose what I focus on, what I want to embody, how I want to be in the world.

If in this moment I can be fully present…. right action will follow.

Filed Under: Choice, Heart's wisdom, Life, We are creators Tagged With:

Reunion…and then there’s people

September 4, 2020 by

REUNION

Letting go of others’
expectations and beliefs
I’m finally coming
home to my self.

Poem written in response to the Chalkboard prompt “reunion” by Chris Coolsma. 9.3.20

And then there’s people.* That relationship, the one that leaves you wanting a glass of wine or two or three.

The problem with “coming” is you aren’t there yet. You’re in that in-between space where you aren’t where you were, but you haven’t arrived to that place where you fly consistently from you inner guidance.

When I arrive, I believe I’ll be able to be with others without judgment, without defense. I resist the idea that I may move on and leave them. Why? Is it fear of being alone? Self-judgement because I should be able to hang with anyone? I mean Jesus did, didn’t He?

Maybe I’m not accepting others where they are, maybe I’m still trying to tweak them just enough so there’s no rub. Maybe, maybe, maybe….

Awash in “maybes,” I’m going to stop, breath and accept the not knowing. Get out of my head and trust it’s just the way it is right now. I know if I’m to see something or to do something, it will come to me. I just keep forgetting.

*no this isn’t you.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Life, We are creators Tagged With: ,
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