5.5

November 13, 2017 by

I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.

You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.

How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.

How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.

Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.

So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
      …..me.

Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Life, Oneness

Caving

October 27, 2017 by

Mammoth Cave, KY

 

I’m allowing myself to cave
seeking aloneness
avoiding groups.

Am I sinking into my own
personal nationalism? The
same that I critique countries for?

Build a wall keeping out?
or maybe keeping in
the energy that is so low.

Things are shifting: the change may be
minuscule. maybe seismic, but
definitely different.

I allow myself to not show up
promising, to myself, that this will not last.
Praying that the heavens will show the way out.

 

Epilogue
I know all things cycle: summer into fall into winter.
But I love spring and have to remind myself that pulling, in as in winter, is exactly what I need to be doing right now….and, it’s ok. To honor what I’m feeling, as the edges of a space seem to be opening up. I don’t know what it means but I don’t have to. It will do what it does.
Grieving has taught me, if nothing else, the process has its own rhythm, its own wisdom. My job, so hard and yet so easy, is to listen.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, The Creating Process, We are creators Tagged With: , , ,

Reading Headlines

October 11, 2017 by

A somber evolutionary thought.
When life becomes an Instagram opportunity,
or a chance to tweet a one liner,
our ability to hold complexity and interrelationship
diminishes in proportion to our need for publicity.

Diminishes with our seeking answers that fit with what
we believe we know to be true and worth defending.
So Creation appears to stall as we battle it out,
when maybe, it’s really weeding out the weak links.
And just maybe, right now, the human race is one.

But this should have a happy ending, an inspirational
cuddle to make us hopeful and feel safe.
But God allows nature to evolve, species that
can’t adapt to living in relationship and
diversity die out.

Plants, animals, amphibians are humble.
They play their role, dying so another can live.
Accepting what is, they find ways to co-exist,
and even to thrive off each other without destroying
the whole…..
We’ve got a lot to learn….Are you willing ?

Can we stay curious, let go of cherished beliefs?
Stand the ground of not knowing: break open?
Connect with those who see the opposite?
Trust a third way will emerge if we can let go of being right?
It’s then that the Joy of Life can move through us.”
The ultimate  “happy ending.”

Filed Under: Choice, Creating with others, Life

What goes in the “to go” bag?

September 9, 2017 by

If you have to flee
what do you take?
credit cards, cash?
clean underwear?

What if you can’t get
the cat in his carrier
could you leave him
and ever be at peace?

My things are scattered
tucked into files and drawers
in the basement and closets
sort of like me these days.

What goes in the “To go” bag?
Is it what you cherish,
what you need to survive?
your fears, hopes, dreams?

When things are gone,
when what’s taken
for granted like gas, electricity
food, goes missing

what are you left with?
People encountered
along the way,
shared experiences

and of course, yourself
without the trimmings
without the props you rely on.
What do you carry with you?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Life

When treasures become unwanted stuff…

August 23, 2017 by

“It’s a sunk cost. Falling in love with what you have and reminding yourself of what it cost you is no help at all.” from Seth Godin’s “The market for used eclipse sunglasses”

I know I paid a lot for this
I love it but it’s time to move it on.
I can’t find a buyer for it!
How can that be?

We assume what we value
will always have a place,
our sense of order intertwined
with things staying the same.

But the the world’s fickle, and
even as we cling to the meaning and
worth we’ve assigned to our precious things
we find the world doesn’t share our assessment

leaving us a little bit disconcerted as we
realize our carefully constructed
world of what matters is just that
…ours   LOL!

Filed Under: Life, We are creators

You keep getting surprised

August 20, 2017 by

You fear that your mourning will
be less interesting, even annoying
to those around you as time passes.
Even as the explosions in your heart
continue to erupt, the loss hitting harder.

“When someone you love dies, … you don’t lose him all at once; you lose him in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and his scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in his closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of him that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that he’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” adapted from “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” by John Irving

It feels true that you lose someone in pieces,
You see a river where you might have wandered with him,
just walking, hanging out together. And suddenly, you’re
pulled into a quicksand of sadness, sinking uncontrollably.
You have no idea how to be without him.

The realization surprises you.
How did you get so dependent?
or maybe, How did you get so comfortable?
so comfortable with how things were, until they weren’t, and
you’re roughly tossed into this broiling confusion: who are you now?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Life, Love

The ring came off

August 11, 2017 by

Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.

I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.

A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there.

You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised

The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.

Filed Under: Choice, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love

Old haunts and hauntings

August 2, 2017 by

I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.

I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.

The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.

The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.

I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.

Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Not Him

July 26, 2017 by

I was getting annoyed with my neighbor.
I’d invite him to visit ,
then get cynical/argumentative.
What was going on?

Another friend sat with me.
She listened as I put the question
out there…waiting.

The answer came,
“He’s not Joseph.”
The tears followed.

It wasn’t the Presence I knew
the Presence I expected
the Presence I so loved.

I keep discovering ways I miss him
Even as I feel him with me
go figure…
‘cause I can’t.

P.S. This isn’t about my neighbor whom I truly like. It’s just what happened.  I continue to allow the feelings to flow through me the best I can, trusting that it is as it should be. Being willing to see, to feel in the moment, even when it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing, is to me being here now. It allows me to release the thoughts/emotions so I can come closer to touching the silence within.  So be it.

Filed Under: Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Magical thinking, stalling out

July 7, 2017 by

When I get stuck, writing helps me get in touch with those thoughts that lie just under the surface. It moves my energy to simply let the words come.

For the last few days, the push I’ve been feeling for weeks to gather up and get rid of some of Joseph’s things seemed to disappear.
I would sometimes wonder about the forcing function behind getting rid of things; what was going on when I gave away his exercise bike or clothes, or sold Joseph’s car,?  And then, when all of a sudden (so it seemed), the energy to do so stalled, what was this is about?

I do believe there’s something called “magical thinking.”  Something that happens when someone close to you dies and you can’t really process all that it means. It’s a phenomena that Joan Didion wrote so well about.  For me, I think the running out of steam had to do with these magical, under the surface, not necessarily rational, thoughts:

If I get rid of things, it will be over. — “it “being the loss; the wanting to know what or who’ll be left….
 If I don’t get rid of things, I won’t have to face it. — “it” being the vacuum; what feels like the looming need to rebuild my life….

I know both statements are wishful thinking.  I know “it” won’t be over and I know I’ll have to face whatever comes.  This morning I just cried.

But bringing to consciousness what was lurking in the background does shift my energy, at least for now. The feelings, challenges, unanswered questions remain.   But I trust the next steps will all unfold in their own time.  ☺️

Filed Under: Life, Love, We are creators Tagged With: ,
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