-- a journey into awareness
Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.
I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.
A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there. 
You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised
The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.
I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.
I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.
The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.
The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.
I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.
Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.
I was getting annoyed with my neighbor.
I’d invite him to visit ,
then get cynical/argumentative.
What was going on?
Another friend sat with me.
She listened as I put the question
out there…waiting.
The answer came,
“He’s not Joseph.”
The tears followed.
It wasn’t the Presence I knew
the Presence I expected
the Presence I so loved.
I keep discovering ways I miss him
Even as I feel him with me
go figure…
‘cause I can’t.
P.S. This isn’t about my neighbor whom I truly like. It’s just what happened. I continue to allow the feelings to flow through me the best I can, trusting that it is as it should be. Being willing to see, to feel in the moment, even when it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing, is to me being here now. It allows me to release the thoughts/emotions so I can come closer to touching the silence within. So be it.
When I get stuck, writing helps me get in touch with those thoughts that lie just under the surface. It moves my energy to simply let the words come.
For the last few days, the push I’ve been feeling for weeks to gather up and get rid of some of Joseph’s things seemed to disappear.
I would sometimes wonder about the forcing function behind getting rid of things; what was going on when I gave away his exercise bike or clothes, or sold Joseph’s car,? And then, when all of a sudden (so it seemed), the energy to do so stalled, what was this is about?
I do believe there’s something called “magical thinking.” Something that happens when 
someone close to you dies and you can’t really process all that it means. It’s a phenomena that Joan Didion wrote so well about. For me, I think the running out of steam had to do with these magical, under the surface, not necessarily rational, thoughts:
If I get rid of things, it will be over. — “it “being the loss; the wanting to know what or who’ll be left….
If I don’t get rid of things, I won’t have to face it. — “it” being the vacuum; what feels like the looming need to rebuild my life….
I know both statements are wishful thinking. I know “it” won’t be over and I know I’ll have to face whatever comes. This morning I just cried.
But bringing to consciousness what was lurking in the background does shift my energy, at least for now. The feelings, challenges, unanswered questions remain. But I trust the next steps will all unfold in their own time. ☺️
Never walk
into Servati’s
eyeing their
generous wedge
of carrot cake
convincing yourself
it will last at least
three days.
Denial does not
stop the calories
from going to
your hips.
It does not numb
you out enough,
you still feel, yep
you still feel.
It did taste pretty
darn good though.
A small consolation
to be savored.
I hit a space
where I feel alone
lost, cutoff.
I’m not of course.
Friends reach out
with care and food.
So where does
vulnerability
come from?
Did I over identify
with “us”?
Did “me” get lost?
Filling out the all
the paperwork
scares me.
It never used to.
Did I think he was a
talisman for me?
My mind searches
for an explanation,
even though I know
it’s only with time that
a new way of life
will be born.
Worms feed robins
Mice feed coyotes
Cattle feed humans
Everything gives
of itself to sustain life
Our bodies decay
and feed the earth
The air we exhale,
others breathe in
The dance of life
The sacred giving
and receiving
Stop the flow
and you are
out of step
You suddenly think
you are more important
then the field mice
This form will end.
The only thing that
lives on is our love
It flows on like a river
through everything,
until resting in the ocean
it evaporates
lifting into clouds, and
the dance starts again.
When a woman screams
during childbirth.
Does she need healing?
Her life has certainly
changed forever, in ways
beyond imagination.
When a woman keens the
loss of a child,
Is it healing she needs?
Loss isn’t a wound
you put salve on
and the skin grows back.
Loss is a space
A void that pulls you
into a reordering of life
Without him, who am I?
How do I spend my time?
Who do I tell my secrets to?
The cycle of life forces us
to detach, to remember
our deeper truth
To reach up or in
To reconnect with the Love
that is not dependent on form.
Grief is a mini death that
brings us home to anchor,
to remember what’s important
Grief strips us,
and then connects us
to each other and to God
Last night it hit
the sobs came
in waves
A neighbor stopped
by with a card
and the dam broke
The card was for me
not him,
my life had changed
I loved him so much
we were both at peace
he was ready to go
Somehow I kept at bay
how sobs and cries echo
in a room when you’re alone
“Who should we call
in case of emergency”
I’ll get back with you on that.
Today I’m resting in the
now of my life. not knowing
the next step, knowing I’m
kin to all those before me
who stand alone, aware they
were left behind.
Twenty questions*
* A workshop exercise we used to use to help people get past the superficial answers, only the question was “who am I”. This “Twenty Questions” comes from the concern of friends and family. What do I say…..
How are you? I don’t know
How are you? Here. No that’s good, really.
How are you? Thinking
How are you? Getting things done
How are you? Feeling supported
How are you? Grateful, I had him for so long
How are you? Noticing the silence
How are you? Getting things done
How are you? Grateful for my friends
How are you? Wondering how the bed got sooo big
How are you? Trying to remember how to buy food for one
How are you? I just am
How are you? I don’t know, sad
How are you? Weeding the garden
How are you? My back hurts
How are you? Trying to sleep through the night
How are you? Peaceful
How are you? Wanting to make sure others’ needs are met
How are you? Waiting for death certificates
How are you? It’s just the beginning, I don’t know
The journey continues….I feel supported, loved. I am blessed!