May Anger

Anger bubble up
Always a surprise
Why am I so easily upset
Impatient, annoyed?

The energy of days past
Losses I think are not
controlled by the Calendar
seem to have their way with me.

Once again I connect the dots
And let myself feel the
Sadness, the loss, the
Anger at having been left.

I’m always surprised that when it gets near the dates that my daughter, Kelly (May12, 2016), and my husband, Joseph’s (May22, 2017), died that my emotions get weird. I’ve been irritable, even swearing in situations that might have been difficult before but now seem absolutely “NOT OK!!!!”.

At least I’m quicker to see what’s going on. So, here I am, allowing myself to feel the loss and, yes, the anger that I got left alone. Silly? No, human. Grief is what it is. I’m learning it is not always rational, but whatever I’m feeling is ok…I need to allow it, feel it, not tell more stories about it…just let it go.

To life, love and all it’s crazy paradoxes and mysteries.

Love the One You’re With

“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey,
Love the one you are with”
If you can’t be in the heaven you long for
Love the life you’re given on earth
If you can’t have the body you desire
Enjoy the one you have
If your loved one died
Let yourself love again
Turn your heartache into joy
Love what you have,
And, find peace.

David Crosby died Jan. 19, 2023. His death reminded me of all the songs Crosby, Stills and Nash sang, including “Love the One You’re With” sung in 1971 (written by Stephen Sills, 1970). Reminiscing about those times past, the advice in this song seems to fit a lot of things. Love what you have. Enjoy your life. Peace!

Happy Thanksgiving!

“Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.

Fear or love, baby?
Don’t say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.”
Jonathan Larson – Louder Than Words

May you fly today. May gratitude and faith in possibilities keep you afloat.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What is your unique truth at this moment?

I still feel like I don’t belong
and it always surprises me
I‘m connected to my back yard
It loves me and I love it back

I love people and I don’t know
why or where it comes from
I’m guided in ways I don’t control
The universe has many worlds

I’m not pretending everything is resolved. I am not asking others for solutions to what is unfolding in me. I’m experiencing my life as I am living it. I’m learning this is” getting it right.”

I see my own contradictions, e.g, I should stop drinking…and then I don’t.
So now, I’m noticing what encourages me to have a drink: sometimes it is because I enjoy a glass of wine, sometimes I’m upset and I’m numbing out, and sometimes I’m caught up in the expectations of others. I’m letting go of “how it should be” and I’m becoming more aware of “how it is”. It is no longer about a general rule or a “should”.

I choose to be free, and that means being honest with myself. It is being unapologetically me. It is only from this place of self acceptance and self awareness that I can choose more wisely. This is love.

The Storm

The wind whipped around and through
The tree limbs followed, wildly dancing
Swaying, twisting, bowing

I felt Thunder in my bones
“Danger, go inside”
But in awe I couldn’t leave

Powerful, wild, alive
My heart was drawn in
Connected to this dance of life

This storm was trying to tell me something. In the chaos and tragedy going on these days, what do I see? What does my heart connect to? Is there always a choice between fear/anger and something more? Is there always beauty in the chaos?

I’m being told to move away from either/or, right/wrong, good/evil. Can I hold it all?

The Deluge

The heavy rains came
Even the thorned Barberry
Bowed down under the weight
Gray days hovered
Everything heavy

Then this morning
in the soaked grass
The bare dandelions
seeds washed away
became Starbursts

These times are hard. After Friday’s storm, the Roofer came and checked. He said the fallen tree limb hadn’t damaged the roof.
This morning City Workers filled the potholes in front of my drive.
And today once again, mothers are mourning their dead children and
communities the loss of their cherished members.

The routine of life cut open by the horror of killing, rooted in prejudice, racism, and the acts of the wounded who are acting out their trauma and illness on others.
I pray to experience what the mind cannot define or comprehend; the love of God that can hold all of this.

I pray that I remember we are all connected, that there is no “other” unless I close may heart.
I strive to avoid language and words that create the illusion of separation: e.g., they, whites, blacks, liberals, conservatives…. Labels that lump people into faceless boxes that are too easy to dismiss and belittle.

I strive to love myself and to learn what it means to love others: starting with accepting and seeing the person as they are and who they are. “And may that love move me to co-create justice and well-being for all.” bell hooks

The Unexpected

This birthday
felt different.
It was a transition.
To what? I didn’t know.
I needed to celebrate.
Celebrate what? I didn’t know.

But friends heard me.
And, they showed up
bearing gifts, sending cards
taking me out for lunch,
taking me to an opera.

And then it came to me.
Filling me to overflowing.
And I let it in.
I felt loved!

The Universe has a way of gifting us when we least expect it. I don’t usually celebrate my birthdays. But this one felt different and I told my friends. They heard me and responded. And then, perhaps for the first time in my life, I felt loved…by friends and the Universe. It’s not that I didn’t know I was loved before, but I don’t think I took it in. But this time I got it. I felt loved. I still feel loved. The door to my heart opened. The Universe works in mysterious ways. I’m learning to trust it.

One Earring

One earring lost
Always from a favorite pair
The one “left behind” a tease
Reminding me of what was

There’s always the hope you’ll find it. This one has to be in the house. Or does it? How long have I been walking around with one earring? Does anyone notice? Why is it always my favorite pair? Why does this happen!!!!

Simplistically, maybe the answer is “Hey you, be more careful!”
But maybe, the loss is a reminder that the things you love can disappear at any time.
It’s a reminder to slow down, to really see & enjoy, to pay attention.

Life is precious. Even little things are gifts. May I take the time to enjoy, appreciate, to love…. May I take nothing for granted, even my earings.

After I wrote this blog, I received this from a dear friend:
“No amount of regret changes the past.
No amount of anxiety changes the future.
Any amount of gratitude changes the present.”

” I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.

— Maya Angelou

OUT THE DOOR

Thoughts come and go
What is now is the treasure
Breathe, relax
This moment is sacred

I’ve started so many posts these past months and none of them made it to my website. This year went by at the speed of light. Insights came and then it was on to the next challenge. My past has been slowly moving out the door as I let go of things, old stories, cellular memories.

When I see how deeply some of my beliefs were held, I’ve gained compassion for those who are controlling, hurting others, unaware of who they truly are, of who we truly are. Compassion for those reacting to what scares them, to thoughts and feelings they can’t yet face. I exhale.

Today I’m letting go of “trying” and “Self-doubt”…both block me from staying in the moment, from opening to what’s to come. Again, not making something happen but rather opening to receive. Listening for the next step and taking it. It’s going to be an interesting year.

Waiting by Betsy Terrill

The Inconsistent Me

I am many things
the contemplative seeking meaning
the nature lover needing grass under my feet
the one who loves to go to museums
the wild bare foot dancer i

I love to be waited on
I’m independent
I’m a loner
I love being with you

I recycle except when I don’t
I don’t kill, except when I do
I don’t poison the earth, much
I reuse, donate, repurpose and trash things

I believe love is the answer
but some people/things irritate me
I’ve past wounds, biases, insecurities
I’m learning to love myself
I am many things

Today I’m just sitting with all that I am. I’m finally getting I’m not going to save the world, at least not today. I’m humbled. Maybe I just need to learn to live in harmony with myself, all of myself. And then refocus …I AM here in this moment. I know what to do in this moment. I am love. There is beauty all around me. The gift is this moment.