COVID19, BLACK LIVES MATTER…my words have left me.

I’ve been too overwhelmed with it all to write, thinking it’s already been said, or it doesn’t matter, or that I just don’t have the words. The questions seem to abound.

Re: COVID19- What is really true? What is really known and what is still being understood. What’s politically motivated or self serving? What is freedom? Where do personal freedom and compassion intersect? Isn’t living in fear worse the getting the virus?
Re: Black Lives Matter- Somethings were too painful to watch the first time, do I really want to talk about it again? What can you say that isn’t more dividing? How can you stop generalizing to everyone in a perceived group? Do people really want to understand “racism,” systemic bias, our history?
And what about the creative process? I’ve been asked, “Isn’t focusing on all the violence, discrimination, white superiority etc., just giving more energy to what you don’t want?

So this may be the first of a series as I sort through my answers, letting the feelings flow over me and the thoughts swirl.

I’ve come to realize and value letting myself feel the feelings as opposed to pushing them down. This has been, and is, a major part of moving through this complicated time; breathing through the feelings, not getting lost in them. And being overwhelmed at times seems like it is part of being human….and, I’m realizing, that includes me.

I also know that I can choose to live in heaven or hell right now. When I choose to see the possibilities, the genuine care of many, and when I trust that love is stronger than hate and fear, I live in heaven.

And finally, I believe these times are sacred and we are being given an opportunity to sift through what is happening, work together in ways we may never have before and arrive at a place we haven’t yet imagined.

I hope you’ll stay tuned. I know I will. LOL!

Jesus Didn’t Change Any Thing*

[This came to me as a partial answer after asking, “What’s mine to do in this pandemic world we live in; a world with such inequalities, unknowns and isolation?”]

Jesus Didn’t Change Any Thing*

He didn’t topple governments
He didn’t stop people from killing each other
He didn’t close the gap between the elites and poor.

He simply lived the Truth:
We are not separate from the Father
What He could do, we could, if we remembered.

Jesus didn’t change any thing
He was his true Self,
and people changed.

The message in this for me was to remember. To become conscious of what I was creating through my thoughts and feelings. To choose to see the good, to feel compassion, gratitude, appreciation. Right now, that is mine to do.

*excluding the water into wine and the loaves and fishes “things”

Note: I used Father but to me God is Father/Mother/Friend.

Naked

We are heart
pounding beats of life
feeling the ocean in waves

letting go
I am more
available to what is

emerging through me
with my “YES”
to life & love

I am dance
the music plays
It moves through me

Mourning

I want you to be Joseph
to hold me in your arms
and complete me.

But I know the time has come.
I must look inside to realize,
I am whole.

Joseph’s birthday is Oct. 12th. I am surprised at the sadness that has enveloped me. I deeply miss what we had together. I know that moving forward means integrating those parts of me he brought to life — the sense of adventure, my femininity, never meeting a stranger…

It happens — one day at a time!

Life is a journey of awakening, of shedding what we were trained to be, of being willing to open to the mystery of what is now and of what will be.

I am grateful!

CRAZY

…it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much”…
Does that make me crazy?”
*

besliter Port Charlotte, FL

On overwhelm seems the norm.
Out of control racism, sexism,
“other”isms, climate change…

I ache to know an answer.
My body gets heavy with the
not knowing. I want to pull back.

I ground myself in the dirt,
see what’s growing, listen
to the heartbeat of the earth.

I looked in a waiter’s eyes yesterday.
He seemed startled, he noticed.
Really seeing a person, a start.

*Gnarls Barkley – Crazy

I should know. I’ve taught courses on racism, sexism…how could I still get surprised? “I’m a good person, at least I strive to be.” Yet, like a fish in water that doesn’t see water, I’m in a culture where white is shown as intelligent, good, the norm; shown as the face of Jesus.
Others make the news in the crime section of the paper, serve us in restaurants, work in our yards.

Do we have the courage to look, to see clearly? to get over ourselves? Can we stop putting individuals into buckets of stereotypes? Can we work our own shadow and stop projecting our fear, our anger, our neediness onto others?
All “isms” have a history but we need to stop doing what we are doing today. See inequality as affecting the lives of people, not making them inferior, not making us better.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. “. Maya Angelou

Desire

Desire

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I want simplicity
Life gives me chaos
Things dying
being born
I know nothing

It seems Life is determined to get me out of my head and into my heart. It’s not comfortable. And, at the same time it feels just right. To let this moment lead me to the next thing. Not reacting to, but a deep listening within. What wants to come through me in this moment, be embodied, acted on. … bypassing my head into Being.


Life as I knew it is gone. I feel as if I’m in kindergarten. Who would have thought LOL!

Texting

Sr. Paula Gonzales

Good for data transfer
“I’m here at the back table”
“Running 10 min. late”
“What was the address again”

Or for “I’m thinking of you”
“Good Morning”
“You’re in my prayers”

But not for conversation.
There’s no intimacy,
you can multitask.

If you want to talk
I want your full attention
Your heart not just thoughts

I’m greedy about what
I want from my friends, and
I’m rich because they give it.

Love

What is love?
A feeling of the heart
not between your legs
not “happy head” between your ears

Love just is
a spacious embrace
of the other

You can love everyone
but not want to live with them
not want to hang out with them
not really be able to understand them

Love does not require
understanding, does not
have to make sense

Love baffles the ego
it defies the rules we’ve learned
it goes beyond “tit for tat” and all
sense of who deserves it, who’s enough

Maybe….

Love just is, a Divine gift
embracing us, connecting us
to the Mystery of Life

THE MOTHER IN FATHER’S DAY

We’re part of a long line, yes generations
of women, who couldn’t mother.
Who weren’t mothered themselves.
Whose wounds stopped them from
offering the sustenance, support,
and cuddling so needed.

But the earth is rumbling
a deep remembering
disturbing our souls.
The feminine, the goddess, the
Divine Mother is beginning to
call, signaling “It’s Time.”

To see perfection in each soul
thirsting for acceptance,
safety, affirmation, kindness…
Bringing us back into our bodies
that are numb, afraid, angry.
Letting Divine Love flow and heal.

Reaching out to the long line of men,
generations who couldn’t father,
who weren’t fathered
who repressed what they felt,
who strove to be strong and in control,
yet angry and fearful under it all.

Without the mother,
the father grows brittle

On Father’s Day
the Divine Mother
offers herself.
Drink of me,
Let me hold you
in my embrace

Male and female
Understand you are
two sides of the same coin
blending into wholeness.
Let the Divine Feminine
guide you….TRUST.

The Trip Within the Trip

The psychic said I was ANGRY
I said I wasn’t
I hate it when I’m wrong

I said “driving” because we loved
to be on the road together.
I picked the hotel because it was
like the one we loved to stay at.

It’s his granddaughter’s wedding
He would have loved to be there
But he’s not….

Who am I angry at?
God? Joseph?
The fact is I still miss him so much
I can’t stand it sometimes.

Anger is not rational
Accepting it, accepting me,
accepting what is

I’m living my faith……
This too will pass
Keeping my heart open
Holding it all, even though

Sometimes it just hurts.

Enough said.