Illusion Confusion

June 3, 2019 by

What am I trusting?
overwhelmed with images
words that divide,
categorize, demean

pulling out of my own
dysfunction
what do i trust
whom do i trust

the world is filled with
pain, alienation, hunger
for not just food but
love, acceptance

looking out, looking in
emotional tornadoes
swirling dust
blocking vision

Only now, writing
do I remember
Focus on what is true
One Life, One Love

And know that Love
brings us through
lifts us up and ALWAYS
guides us if we listen.

In my head, my mind can’t figure it all out. Reading/watching the news is disorienting at best, painful at worst. The chaos, the push toward separation, excluding “the other”, blame, anger, racism, sexism, and more “isms” than I can learn. The suffering of those surviving floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, children at borders, that face of the woman hunched in the doorway lost, scared, hopeless…

Overwhelmed, my mind stops functioning. Fear starts to rise. My ego “i” can’t handle it.
I’m reminded I have to stop, go in and listen for that still, small Voice. The voice of God, Divine Intelligence, the Universe, unconditional love, Christ… I need to remember what is most important and trust it will lead me to right action. Trust….such a small word, such a huge shift in being.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Presence Tagged With: , ,

The Trip Within the Trip

March 29, 2019 by

The psychic said I was ANGRY
I said I wasn’t
I hate it when I’m wrong

I said “driving” because we loved
to be on the road together.
I picked the hotel because it was
like the one we loved to stay at.

It’s his granddaughter’s wedding
He would have loved to be there
But he’s not….

Who am I angry at?
God? Joseph?
The fact is I still miss him so much
I can’t stand it sometimes.

Anger is not rational
Accepting it, accepting me,
accepting what is

I’m living my faith……
This too will pass
Keeping my heart open
Holding it all, even though

Sometimes it just hurts.

Enough said.

Filed Under: Emotion, Love, Presence Tagged With: , ,

Journey to the True Self

February 27, 2019 by

I’ve written before about a question that has haunted me since Joseph (my husband) and my daughter died: “Who Am I Now?”

Recently, at the end of a 7 week Meditation class, we were asked to tell others what gift they brought to the group. We were supposed to answer: “Thank you. I like hearing that.” I could get the “Thank You” out but choked on the “I like hearing that.” They gave me complements. They were saying I showed up and was sharing where I was. I was genuine. Why couldn’t I say that simple phrase? Why did I feel like I was an awkward teenager again?

On the way home it hit me!

As a kid, being myself was discouraged…you were supposed to fit in. I learned to lay low. Later, I made exceptions with my husband or with a close circle of trusted friends. With others, I hid behind my roles: consultant, caretaker…. My strength was in meeting the needs of others (individual, team or organization). It didn’t help, that as an Introvert, being around a lot of people spontaneously could be overwhelming. No time to think through/process my thoughts/feelings.

But now there’s just me, mostly retired. I’ve been choosing to focus on listening to what I’m experiencing. To honor whatever is happening. Can I stay with it and put it out there, even when imperfect and raw? Can I be me in this moment?

What hit me on the way home was by focusing on me, on being true to myself, I’ve left the safe ground of how I lived my life. I feel naked. Discombobulated. A vulnerable teenager again. I look to see if I’m fitting in…until I remember being true to myself is more important.

Living from this new place, I’ve questions. I see my inconsistencies, I see where my head knowledge hasn’t reached my heart knowing. It’s messy.

I’m inhabiting this new frontier with equal parts interest, disorientation, contentment and continued commitment to honor my true Self. And interestingly, I’m noticing that more often l love my life and I love being the only thing I can be….my Self.

“What was your job? It has been learning how to just follow my path.” from New Yorker’s Masha Gessen’s “Exit interview” with pioneering filmmaker and visual artist Barbara Hammer as she was dying from cancer.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Presence

Now

January 24, 2019 by

Can a cup of coffee
be a meditation?
Can I be so present
with the warmth of the cup
or the roasted smell of beans
that I let my self go?
let my Self be in this moment?

Living off the mat,
off that formal time of
emptying, noticing,
observing.
Can I stay present?

Can I welcome
what comes
through me?
Be awake enough to notice,
see, hear, feel it?
Would such a simple life
drag me into a cave?

Or would I burst out
into the world ablaze
with love?

For the past year, I’ve been asking the question: “Who am I now?” Now, without my husband and without my daughter (both of whom passed recently). Who am I without the roles, the relationships, and the love I’d known.

Recently it came to me: I’m asking the wrong question!
I’ve been seeking another story about who I am in the world, one I can slip-into and live comfortably in. One that would define me and pull me in from floating in space.

But a friend suggested the question was not necessarily about a new story. That the meaning would shift if I focused on the “now” part. Who am I now?

She was right. “Now” it changes with each second of time. It is not a constant but a flow. It’s not about coming up with a new a story about me but an awakening to what is.

So I’m playing with new questions, What am I experiencing now?, What do I want to express now? What am I led to do now?

For one who taught strategic planning, this is a bit different. But it feels right…at least for now.


Filed Under: Life, Love, Oneness, Presence Tagged With: , , ,
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