-- a journey into awareness
What am I letting go of?
Not being true to myself.
Fear of being vulnerable,
of being hurt.
It’s easy to say this. But I’ve learned over the past year it’s hard to do. For starters, I have to really listen to who I am vs. what I’ve been conditioned to believe or what I perceive to be the expectations of others. But progress has been made, and it is time.
So this I am letting go of, and I’m opening to the new and what’s possible for me. And so it is!
If you find yourself in this familiar time of year, but are seeing and experiencing it with what feel like unfamiliar eyes, may your vision be sharpened to take in what you missed during all those years you saw what you expected to see and felt what you expected to feel. May you experience the unfamiliar as an unfolding and not as an undoing. And may you not take any of it, or yourself, even a tiny bit more seriously than absolutely necessary.
Nadia Bolz-Weber Dec. 16, 2023
I’m not feeling “Christmassy”. I don’t know why. I find myself trying to come up with a story, even though I know stories are just that. I’ve driven around looking at Christmas lights because that always brings me up…only it doesn’t.
My mind is in overdrive.
How do I let go of everything trying to get my attention? Wars, disasters, pleas for money, friends who are sick, endings… Everything is changing. Is it really unfolding?
I don’t know. So maybe I’ll just exhale and believe what my T-Shirt says:
friend /frĕnd/. noun
-A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
-A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
-A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
The American Heritage® Dictionary, 5th Edition
What is a friend? Who is a friend?
Someone I have known but didn’t really hang out with suddenly started having medical issues. She called me and I’ve been helping her with doctor appointments and errands.
She considers me a friend. I’ve been reluctant to call her one.
The people I’ve learned to call friends are the ones I can be totally “me” with. It’s mutual. We have similar interests. I want to explain when someone asks if I’m her friend that I’ve only started being with her since she started needing my help.
Sometimes I think by not considering her a friend, I’m setting some kind of boundary so I won’t feel bad about not responding to all her requests. But you can have a friend and still set boundaries can’t you?
Sunday, Rev. Dee at CSLGC (https://fb.watch/osTmPJ7FZj/) talked about seeing the sacred in everything and everyone. Then, a friend told me that Quakers call all other Quakers “friends” even if they’ve never met them. And, I realized, she is a friend.
I believe there is only One Life. We are interdependent and all connected in that One Life. So, if I’m to embody what I believe, if I want to see the sacred in everyone, then of course they are “a friend.“ And I know when I’m with a friend, there is a softness in my heart and I stop thinking of myself as separate. It is all sacred.
So, thank you my friends for reading this. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I see one more
“Vote No” sign
For the issue
I hold so dear
I will scream
I go into my head
And make up rebuttals
Brilliant ones
That show
the hypocrisy
of the other
I’m trapped
in this world
of separation
This is the paradox of living in a world of cause and effect. One where we create and, at the same time, are affected by the creations of others. What we control is our state of being. Can I be at peace in the midst of something? Or, am I controlled by the actions and manipulations of others.
Anger can bring one to take action. But it can also, as we continue to tell stories about what triggered our anger, bring us to rage, violence, hatred, and of course my favorite, self-righteousness.
I’m learning that when you come from love and being centered, you can still say “no”, “enough” “stop!” And you can still see the other as part of the One, which they are. You are energetically connected, you’re impacting each other. Don’t turn them into that separate “Other” and think your anger doesn’t hurt them or isn’t hurting you.
So, when I go off in my head, I learning to shift to my center by: breathing more consciously, repeating a mantra I learned a long time ago, humming, by thinking of my cat curled in my lap or, just by smiling.
These days there are plenty of opportunities to practice shifting to being centered. And each time I do, I believe I’m contributing to the kind of world I want to see. I’m being the kind of person I want to be.
It’s the end of August
Official month of
“It’s ok to say you are happy”
I’m not a “Debbie Downer”
or, in my case, a
Barbie Bummer
I stand for the right
To be happy in the midst
Of world chaos
I watch the sky
Pet animals
Smile at people I don’t know
Paying attention
I read headlines but
I stay with facts
Drama helps no one
Being scared and worrying
Changes nothing
Thoughts become things
What we believe we become
Where we focus we follow
All life is precious
I find beauty and
good everywhere
Peace is a choice
I ask and I’m guided
And, I believe Love will Prevail
“You must fight, take sides,
WIN!”
Join the drama….
The body holds me back
Keeping me safe
I don’t share I’m
not buying into the struggle
Because being happy in the midst of…
It’s not how “we” do
I believe it’s not about “Being Right”,
it’s about “Being Here,” breathing deeply
Feeling into my heart.
Relaxing does not mean not caring
Being happy & seeing the good
Doesn’t mean ignoring pain
Without my Centering Heart
My head goes into overdrive
Overwhelm moves into my chest
And the heaviness stops my breath
And then the world is a threat, others
Are a threat.
So, I’m learning
Breath, relax, trust
Become aware of my heart
And listen to the inner voice
It’s rooted in love and wisdom
It’s my hope and what the world needs
I’m committed to doing what is mine to do. My heart knows. I just have to listen.
A simple word, yet
It had escaped me
I’m not alone, not a widow
I’m single!
Freeing in a way I don’t understand
Not wounded, not left behind
But standing as one, as ONE
Connecting deeply to myself
Connecting to a bigger whole
I’m free to start again with
New interests, friends…
As I am now…single.
In conversation with my friend Lee Ann, she said something. She didn’t see me alone, I was single. And something happened. I could feel an internal shift. I felt grounded.
I was myself again, rooted into the earth, free to blossom.
It’s crazy I know! But I’m going with the feeling, trusting this shift is real. Another stage in life, a continuation of this incredible journey. Joseph is still with me, laughing I suspect and cheering me on. Love never stops even as life changes. And maybe nothing changes but me.
Anger bubble up
Always a surprise
Why am I so easily upset
Impatient, annoyed?
The energy of days past
Losses I think are not
controlled by the Calendar
seem to have their way with me.
Once again I connect the dots
And let myself feel the
Sadness, the loss, the
Anger at having been left.
I’m always surprised that when it gets near the dates that my daughter, Kelly (May12, 2016), and my husband, Joseph’s (May22, 2017), died that my emotions get weird. I’ve been irritable, even swearing in situations that might have been difficult before but now seem absolutely “NOT OK!!!!”.
At least I’m quicker to see what’s going on. So, here I am, allowing myself to feel the loss and, yes, the anger that I got left alone. Silly? No, human. Grief is what it is. I’m learning it is not always rational, but whatever I’m feeling is ok…I need to allow it, feel it, not tell more stories about it…just let it go.
To life, love and all it’s crazy paradoxes and mysteries.
I want to be accepted as I am
My sadness, happiness, anger
Should not shame me
How I am, not how you need me
Not your projections, not
Your judgments
But what if I don’t accept myself?
If I don’t feel my body, it’s
Tightness, it’s pain
If I don’t notice my feelings
Or ask what I need—
I don’t exist.
I still battle going numb, not valuing myself, not noticing myself let alone connecting to others.
I fall into care taking, performing, helping others achieve.
Every time I cycle through this, at the end, I breathe. I let myself “be me” a little more. And, I start another new day.
Celebrate your Self coming into form,
Celebrate the love given and received,
It’s a chance to say, “What now?”
Knowing you are here today
because of all the other
birth anniversaries, and because of
all that happened in between.
The Birth Day followed
by all the Living Days.
Each day equally important,
propelling you on the path
called life.
I spent my birth anniversary (called a birthday) with friends, both in person and via the loving messages in cards and calls I received. I felt full, cared about and glad to be alive. I’m gently reminded there will be a Death Day. So I’m grateful for each day and choose to live it fully.
Happy Birth Anniversary! Happy Life!
