-- a journey into awareness
Thoughts of you
love, intense fire
missing you
until I remember
the deeper truth.
I carry that love,
your reflection of
the sacred
in that small space
in my heart, my soul.
You now connect me
when I forget who I am
forget who we all are
my connection to Source
our connection forever.
Note: formerly published at Medium in response to a writing prompt:
https://medium.com/intricate-intimacies/needing-you-cda9dc7be4ef
At night
I won’t let myself
feel the loneliness.
How much can you eat
or drink?
Not enough it turns out.
Time heals––not.
It’s letting yourself feel
what there is to feel.
But I don’t want to!
Not at night, not when
the emptiness overpowers.
I’m giving myself permission to suffer. If you resist what is, you suffer. But how much easier it can be to suffer then to accept what is. Especially the feelings; feeling lost, alone, disoriented, sad, scared….
It’s month #8 and the being alone in the evening, and on long drives, is even more intense. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’ve gone back over my posts and they seem like variations on the same themes. How do you stay true to yourself, find yourself, just be with whatever is happening. Simple things are sometimes the hardest. And so it is with just letting yourself feel. Oh well,
I’m learning I can pay attention, but I can’t seem to make it all go away. Wait! wanting it to go away, that’s resistance isn’t it?
and the beat goes on…..
Peaking out at the new year
what will come?
what will leave?
Feeling the keys
under my fingers
typing
waiting for just the
next step.
Wishing for all of us
the ability to rest in our Center, in
the eye of any storm that comes.
I cannot stop the suffering, the
traumas, the hurts of others.
I can wish them peace.
I cannot stop the losses
the endings,
the changes that come.
I can wish us all the ability to
to know we are more than
what we thought we needed.
May we know the love and support
that surrounds us,
see the beauty in everything
Be open to the Grace that flows to us.
Here’s to the new year!
L’Chaim*
*To Life!
I was invited to join them for Christmas
but this family time feels too intimate
to barge in on. Yes, it’s me holding back.
Haven’t gotten my sea legs under me
to enter into new adventures with others.
Instead I’ll allow the quiet to surround me
Reconnect with myself
Find out what I do when I don’t have to do anything
Figure out how I can invite others in…
Yes…it’s time to reconnect with the one.
“Scientists live in mystery every day of our lives … People are uncomfortable not knowing, not the scientists. I’m fine. We don’t know what it is. [We] keep checking it out.” astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson*
Living with not knowing
Not assuming what others think
or what their past has been
Not judging good or evil
Not comparing self to others.
Worries reveal themselves as imaginary
From the middle of disaster, compassion is shown
After cruelty, forgiveness cracks open hearts
Our wounds source our growth
Nothing is entirely as it seems.
Everything real is now
It’s going on in this moment
Act if you’re called, but don’t rest
keep checking, always
knowing you don’t.
*http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/20/us/neil-degrasse-tyson-ufos-new-day-cnntv/index.html
Mammoth Cave, KY
I’m allowing myself to cave
seeking aloneness
avoiding groups.
Am I sinking into my own
personal nationalism? The
same that I critique countries for?
Build a wall keeping out?
or maybe keeping in
the energy that is so low.
Things are shifting: the change may be
minuscule. maybe seismic, but
definitely different.
I allow myself to not show up
promising, to myself, that this will not last.
Praying that the heavens will show the way out.
Epilogue
I know all things cycle: summer into fall into winter.
But I love spring and have to remind myself that pulling, in as in winter, is exactly what I need to be doing right now….and, it’s ok. To honor what I’m feeling, as the edges of a space seem to be opening up. I don’t know what it means but I don’t have to. It will do what it does.
Grieving has taught me, if nothing else, the process has its own rhythm, its own wisdom. My job, so hard and yet so easy, is to listen.
Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?
Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that
I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?
If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?
It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.
I ask for your forgiveness and for your prayers
I’m lost, angry, hurt, alone, judging, floating
More tears, more renting of clothes as I wonder
why, what’s the point….
Where does the knowing go?
This is the “life sucks” part –
we are blind to the hurt of others
we separate ourselves convinced
we are different
we deserve what we have, it’s not us
blaming, scapegoating, making fun of
thinking these are all acceptable behaviors
Self righteous we are appalled
at those that tweet their hates.
But then I remember the mirror
that life is, and I see
Edvard Munch, The Scream
I’m resenting that others have,
what I’ve lost. I want to scream at them!
And I know, this is being tormented by the devil,
so I ask for forgiveness and for your prayers.
I pray for the return of LOVE.
“It’s a sunk cost. Falling in love with what you have and reminding yourself of what it cost you is no help at all.” from Seth Godin’s “The market for used eclipse sunglasses”
I know I paid a lot for this
I love it but it’s time to move it on.
I can’t find a buyer for it!
How can that be?
We assume what we value
will always have a place,
our sense of order intertwined
with things staying the same.
But the the world’s fickle, and
even as we cling to the meaning and
worth we’ve assigned to our precious things
we find the world doesn’t share our assessment
leaving us a little bit disconcerted as we
realize our carefully constructed
world of what matters is just that
…ours LOL!
I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.
I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.
The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.
The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.
I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.
Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.
