I hit a space
where I feel alone
lost, cutoff.
I’m not of course.
Friends reach out
with care and food.
So where does
vulnerability
come from?
Did I over identify
with “us”?
Did “me” get lost?
Filling out the all
the paperwork
scares me.
It never used to.
Did I think he was a
talisman for me?
My mind searches
for an explanation,
even though I know
it’s only with time that
a new way of life
will be born.
Transition – letting go of one way, moving to an new not yet seen one. I have a feeling this is a whole new ball game.
I could feel you doing paperwork.It is so soul-less but necessary. It interests me that Joseph was saying the same things to me just before he died. “I feel lost. I don’t know how to proceed. I cannot understand how to get present.” His short rapid breaths were coming in loud and clear over my car Bose speakers via the cell phone. At first I though it was some kind of strange joke he was playing on me. But the breathing was a tell. He was afraid.
I remember thinking, I must tell him how to do it. And so, I said, ” Joseph, you seem full of fear. You are in your head. Let’s breath and get down into your body. That’s how we do it.” He began to relax and then he began to say what he had meant to say when he called me that morning. “Lee Ann, you mean so much to me. I hope you do not feel like I have neglected you. I really like the way you have worked with Brett. Now Mark can find God and form a relationship with God. You mean so much to me…” I knew I was talking to him at the brink of death. I talked as long as I could and memorized what he said. I wrote the words in my journal that day for my future.
I have a feeling this is your work of assimilating yours and his styles of living in the present moment, trusting your own heart and doing what makes sense with the situation at hand. I believe it will be deeply rewarding to ask what he would say and do what he would want you to do much of the time.
VULNERABILITY comes from the ego. It is the false sense of being separate from God and All That Is. The Ego is an IT disguised as an I. It is the “old man”, the false pride, the false self. You are filled with Divine Light, the very essence of God’s love. Your consciousness is your essence. All the rest is props and circumstances and illusion, except of course the strong feelings. Witness them, express them, welcome them into your home and ask them what they can teach you. Let them go on.
I don’t know what a talisman is. Your relationship continues with Joseph even while he is not physically present. I hope you will consider talking to him and telling him how you feel. asking what he can tell you. Writing him letters about whatever is on your heart.
Take it easy and go gently into each new day. Mark and I now pray daily the prayer Joseph taught me years ago, “Thank you God for this day and all the opportunities in it.”
Perfect love casteth out all fear.
I imagine how challenging it would be for any of us who have been part of a “couple” identity for decades. I would surely feel adrift for awhile until my own sense of self emerged. You intuitively recognize that the light will come, and yes, “It is a whole new ball game.”
You two were such pals to each other and yet had separate identities. In conversations between the three of us I marveled at the easy flow, each seeing into and connecting with the hearts of the other two as individuals, and at the same time observing how the two of you were such great friends. I can still hear Joseph’s twang, referring to you as “Ole Barb” (as he did even when we were all relatively young), and calling me by my last name, though it took some attention on his part to switch from “Schwab” to “Bast” to “Monaghan” and back to “Bast.” I love you, Barb, and know you’ll find your way, but it is a bittersweet path you’re on.