I feel discombobulated. Grieving, yes. Fatigued after tracking bills, going to Doctors, organizing volumes of paper into files, yes. Helping my stepdaughter sell her house and move, yes. Looking over my husband’s shoulder to see how he was doing, yes. But it’s more, more than the long list of what happened.
It’s too many endings, no obvious beginnings, feeling lost in space. The unrest raising questions about life: why are we here, what’s the bigger picture? What does it mean to be alone and to see that possibility on the horizon. Are we here to surrender or to choose what we want? If you give up getting into heaven, what’s left? I don’t mean the polar opposite, but rather can you get excited about coming back to do all this again?
We are getting ready to scatter Kelly’s ashes next week. The spot is a park near Bowling Green, Ky called Phil Moore Park. Joseph’s cousin has been involved with the park since her son ran track around the perimeter. (he’s now taking his medical boards so it has been a while.) There is a tree we “donated” with Kelly’s name on it. Our tree died, Kelly’s is flourishing. The park has family connections and is the only place Joseph thought was a fit.
Both of us are coming to grip with all that transpired over the past four months, over the past year and a half, and even over her life. She passed May 12th. She would have been 55 on May 16th.
What keeps coming home to me is how complex a person’s life is. How many different lens you can see it through, and while looking through one, how you miss “the rest of the story.”
My lens are many. Much was triggered. I’ll be writing about my questions, my learning, at least I think I will. It’s a way to process, to come to peace with paradox and complexity.
Everything written will be just a point in time seen through a lens. Not the truth, not a lie…..just a story to make sense of experiences; writing to sort through the intertwining of lives.
This absolutely rings true, and I love that you shared it. Will be thinking of you.
Sending love!
Much love to you on this journey.
Sort through the intertwining of lives, yes, but not to get rid of the intertwining. Not sort through in that sense. The intertwining is one of the meanings we look for. Love to you both. Jenny
Sue says
Thanks for sharing this with me. I will have you and Joseph in my thoughts as you deal with this trip. Much love to you both.
Barb, thank you for asking the difficult questions that many of us avoid. The questions themselves have value as well as any answers we may find. Big love to you and Joseph.
Thinking of you Barbara.
Barbara hope you and Joseph have beautiful weather for your trip to Bowling Green to spread her remains! I will be thinking and praying that her spirit will be felt on your journey. Let her know that I miss her smiling face and beautiful person.
If there’s anyone I know who can wade through complexity and grief with grace and generosity, it’s you. Looking forward to your reflections on the journey. “Big love.” I like that. Big love …
You blog drew me in … your words captivating … held me in the grip of their raw, honest and open reflections … thank you
Your ideas regarding your emotions, mentality and spiritual concerns are so beautifully expressed that I can sense clearly how this experience has affected each of you. I will pray for each of you as you progress through the grieving process. Thank you for sharing the impact of your experience so eloquently.
God bless you!
I’m holding you both, Barbara and Joseph, in my heart and sending blessings.
My Dearest, keep writing. Keep feeling. Keep seeing through the various lenses of life’s complexities. There is a sense of release on the horizon.
You continue to be an inspiration to me. Your presence changed my life and introduced me to spirituality and meditation. My heart remains full of gratitude.