Life Musings — Page 16

When the world spins out….

November 2, 2016 by Barbara

Thoughts while obsessing about the the craziness,
violence, and suffering of this world.

Inertia descends.
I fear movement
Will crack

something open and
Things will ooze out,
Or worse, maybe in….

Occupy time
Wait
Become invisible

But it’s not enough.
Searching for answers,
understanding fails.

I know how to set
goals, visualize.
I don’t.

Trapped, not
wanting to admit
the world is shaking.

besliter 11/1/2016

Needless to say, obsessing is not useful, uplifting nor something to cultivate. It does happen. I strive to notice its effect and then, move on.

Filed Under: Choice, Emotion, We are creators Tagged With: obsessing, world

There a spectacular music piece, released in 1985 as a fundraiser for the the relief of famine and disease in Africa and specifically for the famine in Ethiopia. It’s resurfacing again, the message I think is that we are in this together.

“We are the world
We are the children
We are The Ones who make a brighter day
So let’s start giving”

We are the World (Click to hear the original)

So, why do I feel sad when I listen to it?

Love…i want it
warm fuzzy
make me feel good

Loving…what is it?
seeing your beauty
knowing your goodness

Love…being
accepted just as I am
knowing you care

Loving you
with all your worts
with all your gifts

How far can I love?
How great a difference
can my love hold?

Families don’t always
love each other.
We are the world, but….

Is there time to learn?
God so loved the world,
can we?

Filed Under: Creating with others, Love, We are creators

Fall Musings – life and gardens

September 22, 2016 by Barbara

I feel like my garden looks. A bit overgrown, unruly. Goldenrod spreading and hanging over more modest plants. Asters coming into their own but falling over as if to spread their beauty. The cherry tomato plant pumping out the last fruit of the season…a little smaller and more irregularly shaped. A bit of chaos I think I should do something about.

Vulnerability is an interesting visitor. It comes with the unexpected, with events you can’t control. A native plant with its own notions of how it should be, a death, the changes of aging, the space of retirement…. Always there is a perceived loss: of routine, of control, a change that shifts your life in some way you don’t quite understand. If this could happen, what else?

You tighten waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop.¨ You feel suspended in the in between times. You long for what you only remember as being neat and orderly.

It’s too easy for me in times of change to try and control everything. I hover over those I care about. I pull in. My mind gallops along, running the race of its life, planning for everything. How do I divide the ‘Autumn Joy’ Sedum, maybe there are native flowers that don’t grow to 6 ft. tall. If I can figure out the perfect plants…

But then I go back out to the garden and remember. The uncontrolled, the wild and untamed can be beautiful if you stop thinking it should be something else. If I let go of the “shoulds” about gardens, the memories of how it was when it was new and tame, the fear of what it will morph into, I see the beauty of it just as it is. It’s the judging that robs the seasons of their beauty, and most importantly, their place in life.

Fall teaches us to hold on lightly, to let go of what’s done, to love what is. I’m letting it sink in.

Filed Under: Life

The Importance of Distinctions

September 10, 2016 by Barbara

What’s the difference between trust and faith? In talking with a friend recently, she referred to faith as the concept she connects with God. It got me thinking about something I’ve told myself for a long time.

Some background: I always thought I had a trust issue with God. I questioned if He’d be there for me, as I knew he was there for everyone else. Feeling alone as a child, I thought I’d too often prayed to God and didn’t get an answer. It was a story I knew well.

This morning in meditation however, I realized something different.

Faith: 1) Complete trust or confidence in someone or something;
2) a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on a spiritual apprehension [understanding] rather than proof. (from Merri-Webster)

I do have faith that there is something bigger than me, a Divine Presence who created the Universe, Who is behind its magnificent unfolding. So often in my life I’ve experienced grace, help that came to me when I needed it, something that seemed a problem working out for the best…. So where does this lack of trust in God come from? What is it about?

Trust: a firm belief in the sincerity, reliability, skill & ability, and credibility of someone (from my Newfield Network training).

My “aha” moment: A child’s parents are like gods to them. Totally dependent, you accept much of what goes on as the truth about how the world works. Wouldn’t God treat you as your parents did (our Father who art in Heaven?) It hit me that my trust issue was never with God but with my parents. Growing up, I felt I wasn’t enough….I gained favor through my accomplishments not for who I was (or at least as I interpreted it).

I didn’t trust my parents to love me with all my flaws, with my thinking differently, with my being emotional (seen as weak), nor with having my own way in life. I didn’t trust them to support me the way I wanted/needed to be supported at that time. And, I confused them with God.

So even as my faith has grown stronger, there’s been this lingering notion of not trusting God to be there for me. This, in spite of all the ongoing evidence. Today, I know my parents did love me the best they knew how. I learned much from them. But they weren’t gods.

So understanding the distinction between trust and faith has been freeing for me.

It’s allowed me to let go of a story I’ve lived with very long time.

Grace in action.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, Love

up. up and away…

August 22, 2016 by Barbara

“Work is love made visible.” Kahlil Gibran

Recently we had the dead wood cut out of our two oak trees. We hired the company my husband liked the best because there were no bucket machines, just a climber. The Stump Guy, Rod, works with a tree climber named Tim. They were pretty casual in their proposal so I wasn’t so sure but it turned out they were good. And, I got to feel the impact of one who loves their work.

It was mesmerizing to watch Tim….not just because he hauled himself up a rope for 25 ft, nor because he could fling a rope from the ground over a high limb in one try, or balance on a tree limb with a chain saw in his hand…no, it was because he loved what he did. The ground guy Dave was impressive, hauling out 90 lb. limbs over his head. But it was Tim I watched.

He moved around the tree talking: to himself, to the tree, to God…you could feel the energy. He loved doing what he did. He loved how he did it. He loved trees.
We felt it.

“Do what you love
It radiates
Touching hearts
Reminding us
why we are here.

besliter 8/2016

Filed Under: Choice, Love, We are creators Tagged With: Love, loving what you do, tree climbers, trees

I’m Tired

July 25, 2016 by Barbara

I’m Tired

A thousand sorrows
Arrows piercing
No one thing to pull out

In these days of instant gratification
Grieving makes no sense
Malingering, grayness,
Being tired of it all

Just take a pill
Proclaim your faith
Move on
Except

It doesn’t work
And the sadness becomes an
Irritating backdrop
To life

I no longer really know why I’m tired,
Easily Irritated,
wanting “it” to all to go away
Politics, killings, crummy drivers…

Don’t make more work for me
Don’t ask anything more of me
Don’t get sick or die on me

–I’m tired
besliter 7/2016

Life doesn’t wait for us to be ready. It keeps moving and we sometimes have to run to keep up. When I’m off center lately it feels like I’m on the edge, ready to fly off….crash and burn. I can’t slow down and do the things I believe would make a difference: meditate, exercise, trust that there is more going on then I can possibly know and that love does triumph.

I don’t think I’m manic depressive, more manically depressed. I judge all this as abnormal. I want to go back to what felt like a normal state before loss, but I’m deeply suspicious that can ‘t happen. I have to let go of what was familiar and safe. And I don’t want to.

Filed Under: Emotion, Life, We are creators

Mothers (grieving and processing continues)

July 4, 2016 by Barbara

MOTHERS

birth mothers,
earth mothers
stepmothers

awkward roles assigned
archetypes embodied
stereotypes enacted

primal roots
patriarchy
tribal law

we carry bits & pieces
cluttering the present
with long forgotten fears

Maybe three years ago, Kelly decided she wanted to call me Mom. We agreed, but I had no idea what that would mean to me as time went on. That simple word turned out to make demands, stir fears I didn’t know I had, and trigger roles I didn’t know I would take on…

Nurturing Mother: As her disease progressed there were times she needed a nurturing mother, not a stepmother, not a friend. She wanted the “just hold me and make it all better” mother. The mother she needed when she was 3, 10 or 13 years old, but never had because of her birth mother’s illness. And worse, I couldn’t be that for her. I’m not a cuddler. I just learned how not to duck when a friend goes to kiss me. I can hug. But what I am wasn’t enough. I felt lacking in the deepest way. I’ve been working through my own sense of shame (I just figured out it is shame) that I wasn’t more in those times. It’s getting better.

Responsible/socializing Mother: And then there were those times I responded to “mom” by trying to socialize her (a little late in the game). She felt criticized, and she was. The unconditional love she needed was absent. On reflection what surfaced were primal fears of distant times when daughters who violated the tribal norms were stoned. Free spirits were not rewarded. It was dangerous. Mothers who failed were shamed.
Where did this deep compulsion, this tribal consciousness for conformity come from? My Mother’s version was “What will the neighbors think?”. How many generations has this fear been passed along, unconscious, under the guise of being a good mother? How did I not know?
Once seen I could shift and that surprised me as well. Awareness again brings freedom.

Mom: And then there were all the times when she was just my daughter, my heart open. It was clean, without old tapes. It was love. For these times, nothing much needs to be said. Actually, nothing much can be said. Those times just were. Love just is.

Life’s gifts: My time with Kelly was, and is, humbling. I saw how much I could give, but also how much I couldn’t. I was a doer. My caring could have a sharp edge. I’ve had to remind myself over and over, we’re all full of paradoxes and imperfections, and to not discount what I had to offer because of the things I couldn’t. I’ve had to learn to stop trying to fix me, so I could stop trying to fix everyone else. Self-Acceptance! Sounds so simple. I’m closer as a result of my time with Kelly: greater awareness and greater acceptance, even of what is unfinished….not bad.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom Tagged With: connectivity, Heart, Life, mom, mothers, step mothers

Grieving

June 26, 2016 by Barbara

I feel discombobulated. Grieving, yes. Fatigued after tracking bills, going to Doctors, organizing volumes of paper into files, yes. Helping my stepdaughter sell her house and move, yes. Looking over my husband’s shoulder to see how he was doing, yes. But it’s more, more than the long list of what happened.

It’s too many endings, no obvious beginnings, feeling lost in space. The unrest raising questions about life: why are we here, what’s the bigger picture? What does it mean to be alone and to see that possibility on the horizon. Are we here to surrender or to choose what we want? If you give up getting into heaven, what’s left? I don’t mean the polar opposite, but rather can you get excited about coming back to do all this again?

We are getting ready to scatter Kelly’s ashes next week. The spot is a park near Bowling Green, Ky called Phil Moore Park. Joseph’s cousin has been involved with the park since her son ran track around the perimeter. (he’s now taking his medical boards so it has been a while.) There is a tree we “donated” with Kelly’s name on it. Our tree died, Kelly’s is flourishing. The park has family connections and is the only place Joseph thought was a fit.

Both of us are coming to grip with all that transpired over the past four months, over the past year and a half, and even over her life. She passed May 12th. She would have been 55 on May 16th.

What keeps coming home to me is how complex a person’s life is. How many different lens you can see it through, and while looking through one, how you miss “the rest of the story.”

My lens are many. Much was triggered. I’ll be writing about my questions, my learning, at least I think I will. It’s a way to process, to come to peace with paradox and complexity.
Everything written will be just a point in time seen through a lens. Not the truth, not a lie…..just a story to make sense of experiences; writing to sort through the intertwining of lives.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, We are creators

Prospecting

April 7, 2016 by Barbara

We all know that our loved ones are going to die someday. But when it’s suddenly officially confirmed..well, it starts a long journey.
I’m sharing some of my experience as my husband and I deal with our daughter’s stage IV cancer and her recent move into palliative care.

I write for my healing, my release……it’s selfish.

looking for gold

PROSPECTING FOR GOLD

When you’re about to lose
the big things, you start
noticing the small ones.

Gold takes on a different hue
less a shining defined by others
more a soft glowing in the heart.

See the blue sky, hey look at the
ducks chasing each other
outside your window.

A heart splitting is dropping tears
Private moments aren’t
so private anymore.

This isn’t about heaven.
It’s feeling moments
here on earth.

I‘m smiling because a friend called.
That first cup of coffee…so wonderful.
Yellow dandelions everywhere.

Experiencing the inner cacophony —
of grief, joy, frustration, peace,
harsh judgements, soft exhales,

all pierced through with gratitude
for kindnesses shown
for love shared

How long will this last?
months? weeks?
Oh look, a robin.

besliter 4/7/16

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: feelings, stage IV cancer

Give me liberty or….

March 13, 2016 by Barbara

Gaius Sallustius Crispus (86-34 B.C.) observed, “Few men desire liberty; most … wish only for a just master.”

LIBERTY: the quality or state of being free (From Merriam-Webster)

Choosing Freedom (or, there is no savior coming)

Free to choose, I learn
the consequences
of my choices.

Coerced into goodness
I learn resentment,
or worse, nothing at all.

“Yes” means nothing if I
can’t say “no”; Courage
is the soulmate of freedom.

“Don’t tread on me,”
I will strive to love you.
I choose to be free

not just in action
but in thought
and in what I feel.

What I come to believe,
how I live or die,
what I give or withhold,

all serve my soul’s purpose
growing awareness
as my heart unfolds.

besliter, March, 2016

Epilogue:
Freedom is not without risks. But trading freedom for perceived safety, for someone to blame, or even someone else to make me happy, well, then I’m doomed to disappointment. Love, joy, peace are inside jobs. Love is always freely given.

Filed Under: Choice, Life