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Illusion Confusion

June 3, 2019 by

What am I trusting?
overwhelmed with images
words that divide,
categorize, demean

pulling out of my own
dysfunction
what do i trust
whom do i trust

the world is filled with
pain, alienation, hunger
for not just food but
love, acceptance

looking out, looking in
emotional tornadoes
swirling dust
blocking vision

Only now, writing
do I remember
Focus on what is true
One Life, One Love

And know that Love
brings us through
lifts us up and ALWAYS
guides us if we listen.

In my head, my mind can’t figure it all out. Reading/watching the news is disorienting at best, painful at worst. The chaos, the push toward separation, excluding “the other”, blame, anger, racism, sexism, and more “isms” than I can learn. The suffering of those surviving floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, children at borders, that face of the woman hunched in the doorway lost, scared, hopeless…

Overwhelmed, my mind stops functioning. Fear starts to rise. My ego “i” can’t handle it.
I’m reminded I have to stop, go in and listen for that still, small Voice. The voice of God, Divine Intelligence, the Universe, unconditional love, Christ… I need to remember what is most important and trust it will lead me to right action. Trust….such a small word, such a huge shift in being.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Presence Tagged With: , ,

Broken

May 28, 2019 by

I’m mad that you are not getting it.
Can’t you see the pattern?
Over and over again?
Getting the same results?
Running won’t get you anywhere.
You need to dig deep and find the
courage to face his lies about you.
To trust you aren’t what he tells you,
not even what you tell yourself.
Dad’s winning
I am so angry, so helpless.
Three glasses of wine aren’t helping.
What do I do?
Where’s my center?
It’s my pattern over
and over again.
Hilarious!
We are joined at the hip.

Filed Under: Choice, Life Tagged With: , ,

Life

May 27, 2019 by
Native Spirit Oracle Card by Denise Linn

How long do you want to live?
“500 years at least”
“Not into my 90’s”
“Honestly? I’d go right now”

Me? I just want to live today.

Response to Chalkboard poetry prompt: Life
 By Aaska Ejaz

Filed Under: We are creators Tagged With: , ,

Beliefs

May 17, 2019 by

Beliefs about the world,
God and ourselves
Shaping our lives
coloring our perceptions
determining our experience

Some beliefs known
others lying hidden
in cellular memory
to be unraveled
like a Gordian Knot

Slowly cutting the string
they’re brought to light
where in consciousness,
examined, we can decide
Is it true?

I’ve been in touch with the power of our beliefs for some time. Beliefs influence our perception, both what what we see and how we see it. And, as a result, beliefs determine our experience of things.

I’ve known my belief “themes”, for lack of a better word, for some time. Mainly “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t play with the ‘big guys’.” I’ve learned with help to see the consequences of such beliefs, e.g., self-sabotage, self doubt…. But I never felt a real shift.

Recently, in my work with visioning and meditation (translation, a form of prayer and listening to the small voice within), I received the core of what’s been driving me: “I was rejected by family, God, it was a done deal, there’s no use trying.”
Note: My family would be horrified to know what conclusions I came to as a very young girl. I’ve long sense done the work of understanding and forgiving those involved. Still, the belief was operating out of sight in my cellular memory. It’s what unrecognized beliefs do.

So, when this belief came to me and resonated so deeply, I knew it was what’s been driving me. With the consciousness I hold now, I could see it is not true and never was. I feel lighter. It has lost its power over me.

We all have stories. We all have hidden beliefs. I want to testify that we can be free of them. Be free to love more fully ourselves and others. And so it is.

Filed Under: Choice, Perception, We are creators

What Do You See?

May 10, 2019 by

If you don’t look too closely
it’s perfect, the riot of colors
the hopeful Spring in bloom

The Butterweed looks intentional
the migrated Goldenrod fills in holes
the wild grasses soften the sharp edges

Only up close when you pick out
the unwanted clover and ground elder
thin the uncontrolled growth of lamb’s ears

Only when you look closely and decide
“not that, not here” does dissatisfaction
start to drain the magnificence of what you see.

This Spring brought to mind the John Cage quote, “What makes you think I’m not something you like?” I wonder, at what point are we blinded to the beauty around us because we’re too busy getting rid of what we don’t like. Are we too conditioned as to what is acceptable, beautiful, worth having?

I think it’s a really good question if you can dig deep enough to get past all that you’ve learned, past what you think is socially acceptable for no good reason other than conformity. I’m beginning to ask: “What do I love?” vs. judging what I don’t like. It’s got forward movement and opens my heart. We’ll see…


“What makes you think I’m not something you like?”

Filed Under: Choice, Life Tagged With: ,

Liminal* space

May 3, 2019 by

Space opening up
a quiet “isness”
just being

Not yet being called
Learning to follow
the inner prompt

Not knowing the
“whys” behind
Experiencing

Letting the feelings
guide to a deeper
understanding

Trusting life’s
unfolding
of me

*A liminal space is the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next.’ It is a place of transition, waiting, and not knowing.

I’m aware things are shifting. It would be easy to live in my head, to not trust the urgings to explore. Yet, every time I pay attention to what I am experiencing and go where it leads, I end up freer.
Sometimes a belief or conclusion I’m carrying that is untrue and limiting surfaces. Sometimes I feel an inner urging to do something that doesn’t make a lot of sense to my mind. Sometimes later, I see what that experience gave me; sometimes I don’t.

Life is for us…We are given all we need to live fully and be who we are created to be. Sometimes the gift is clothed in a challenge, sometimes in a pretty box, and sometimes it’s living in liminal space.

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: ,

The Trip Within the Trip

March 29, 2019 by

The psychic said I was ANGRY
I said I wasn’t
I hate it when I’m wrong

I said “driving” because we loved
to be on the road together.
I picked the hotel because it was
like the one we loved to stay at.

It’s his granddaughter’s wedding
He would have loved to be there
But he’s not….

Who am I angry at?
God? Joseph?
The fact is I still miss him so much
I can’t stand it sometimes.

Anger is not rational
Accepting it, accepting me,
accepting what is

I’m living my faith……
This too will pass
Keeping my heart open
Holding it all, even though

Sometimes it just hurts.

Enough said.

Filed Under: Emotion, Love, Presence Tagged With: , ,

Journey to the True Self

February 27, 2019 by

I’ve written before about a question that has haunted me since Joseph (my husband) and my daughter died: “Who Am I Now?”

Recently, at the end of a 7 week Meditation class, we were asked to tell others what gift they brought to the group. We were supposed to answer: “Thank you. I like hearing that.” I could get the “Thank You” out but choked on the “I like hearing that.” They gave me complements. They were saying I showed up and was sharing where I was. I was genuine. Why couldn’t I say that simple phrase? Why did I feel like I was an awkward teenager again?

On the way home it hit me!

As a kid, being myself was discouraged…you were supposed to fit in. I learned to lay low. Later, I made exceptions with my husband or with a close circle of trusted friends. With others, I hid behind my roles: consultant, caretaker…. My strength was in meeting the needs of others (individual, team or organization). It didn’t help, that as an Introvert, being around a lot of people spontaneously could be overwhelming. No time to think through/process my thoughts/feelings.

But now there’s just me, mostly retired. I’ve been choosing to focus on listening to what I’m experiencing. To honor whatever is happening. Can I stay with it and put it out there, even when imperfect and raw? Can I be me in this moment?

What hit me on the way home was by focusing on me, on being true to myself, I’ve left the safe ground of how I lived my life. I feel naked. Discombobulated. A vulnerable teenager again. I look to see if I’m fitting in…until I remember being true to myself is more important.

Living from this new place, I’ve questions. I see my inconsistencies, I see where my head knowledge hasn’t reached my heart knowing. It’s messy.

I’m inhabiting this new frontier with equal parts interest, disorientation, contentment and continued commitment to honor my true Self. And interestingly, I’m noticing that more often l love my life and I love being the only thing I can be….my Self.

“What was your job? It has been learning how to just follow my path.” from New Yorker’s Masha Gessen’s “Exit interview” with pioneering filmmaker and visual artist Barbara Hammer as she was dying from cancer.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Presence

And then there was me

February 17, 2019 by
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He was my rock
He believed in me
Without him I’m
left with my
self doubt, my
belief I’m less than.

So I act more than
I hang on the fringe
a rule breaker
All to hide that
I’m good,
but not good enough.

I know my limits
so I think.
But now, without shelter,
I’m left with the question
Is there a middle between
more and less?

I’m lost in indecision
self awareness
sucks

Acceptance
one word
a life time

Filed Under: We are creators Tagged With: , ,

Now

January 24, 2019 by

Can a cup of coffee
be a meditation?
Can I be so present
with the warmth of the cup
or the roasted smell of beans
that I let my self go?
let my Self be in this moment?

Living off the mat,
off that formal time of
emptying, noticing,
observing.
Can I stay present?

Can I welcome
what comes
through me?
Be awake enough to notice,
see, hear, feel it?
Would such a simple life
drag me into a cave?

Or would I burst out
into the world ablaze
with love?

For the past year, I’ve been asking the question: “Who am I now?” Now, without my husband and without my daughter (both of whom passed recently). Who am I without the roles, the relationships, and the love I’d known.

Recently it came to me: I’m asking the wrong question!
I’ve been seeking another story about who I am in the world, one I can slip-into and live comfortably in. One that would define me and pull me in from floating in space.

But a friend suggested the question was not necessarily about a new story. That the meaning would shift if I focused on the “now” part. Who am I now?

She was right. “Now” it changes with each second of time. It is not a constant but a flow. It’s not about coming up with a new a story about me but an awakening to what is.

So I’m playing with new questions, What am I experiencing now?, What do I want to express now? What am I led to do now?

For one who taught strategic planning, this is a bit different. But it feels right…at least for now.


Filed Under: Life, Love, Oneness, Presence Tagged With: , , ,
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