The Genuine

Man, sometimes it takes a long time to sound like yourself.“ ~Miles Davis

When we start, we make sounds but we’re surrounded by others who are also making sounds. We listen. They tell us how to play, tell us what we should sound like. They argue among themselves about the right way to play. So we play. If we can, we play with others. Some of us find ourselves playing in a jazz group, others in a symphony, others in an alley behind where we live, and still others play alone in the shelter of the woods.

Overtime we begin to notice what feels natural. Our music starts flowing through us. The notes start coming from deeper place, somewhere inside. And we begin to appreciate that this is what we’re here to play. It’s our music. We appreciate other’s music but we don’t try to play like them. And we don’t tell them to play like us.

We develop confidence, not because others approve or because they change but because we know it is our music to play regardless of results. This is faith.

Only in “the cave of the heart,” as the mystics are fond of calling it—does a person come in contact with his or her own direct knowingness. And only out of this direct knowingness is sovereignty born, one’s own inner authority.” —Cynthia Bourgeault

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Still There, Still Here

I want to be accepted as I am
My sadness, happiness, anger
Should not shame me
How I am, not how you need me
Not your projections, not
Your judgments

But what if I don’t accept myself?
If I don’t feel my body, it’s
Tightness, it’s pain
If I don’t notice my feelings
Or ask what I need—
I don’t exist.

I still battle going numb, not valuing myself, not noticing myself let alone connecting to others.
I fall into care taking, performing, helping others achieve.

Every time I cycle through this, at the end, I breathe. I let myself “be me” a little more. And, I start another new day.

PEACE

I’m not who you want me to be
not your expectations of woman
not your ideal daughter
Not behaving the way you think I should
Not living in fear and self-judgment

I believe what I do
I feel what I feel
I let go of my stories, they’re history
I’m going to stop being embarrassed
because I’m happy and you aren’t

I’m accepting my body as it is
my sexuality and desires as they are
Being right here, right now
is taking on new meaning
because it’s true, I AM

This year has been about letting go of what I’m not. Of letting fall away what is not mine to have. It’s been about being at peace in the middle of chaos, anger, distortions and the fear all around us. It’s been about learning to not blame anything outside of me for what I’m feeling inside.

These changes have been unfolding all year. They are the precious gifts given to me this year.
So this Christmas, I’m choosing peace. acceptance of what is, faith in what I cannot know, trust in mySelf and most importantly trust in this Divine Love, Intelligence, Presence that surrounds me.

I wish for all of you Peace and Happiness. Merry Christmas!