I ask for your forgiveness and for your prayers
I’m lost, angry, hurt, alone, judging, floating
More tears, more renting of clothes as I wonder
why, what’s the point….
Where does the knowing go?
This is the “life sucks” part –
we are blind to the hurt of others
we separate ourselves convinced
we are different
we deserve what we have, it’s not us
blaming, scapegoating, making fun of
thinking these are all acceptable behaviors
Self righteous we are appalled
at those that tweet their hates.
But then I remember the mirror
that life is, and I see
Edvard Munch, The Scream
I’m resenting that others have,
what I’ve lost. I want to scream at them!
And I know, this is being tormented by the devil,
so I ask for forgiveness and for your prayers.
I pray for the return of LOVE.
Barb thank you for such an honest and insightful sharing of your thoughts and feelings. I am touched to the bone. You can count on prayers from me. And I am joining you in the self reflection.
I’ve been missing a post from you, should have known you were chewing through something difficult. I mean chewing literally, as I developed TMJ until I could let go of clenching against the anger. What I missed when reading about the stages of grief years ago was the gut-wrenching reality of it. I believe in your strength to fully engage, through to the other side.
Being authentic can be hard and messy. If it’s any consolation, know that I appreciate it and only love you more. Said and done, there was never anything to forgive.
Love, Love, and more Love to you, my dear friend. I am in awe of your courage in this sharing. Prayers coming!
Yes, SCREAMING IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL. I encourage you to scream with reckless abandon!!!! I have had great results screaming inside my car. In addition, I have screamed into the corners of my house when I was alone with my pain. I recently screamed down the drain of my kitchen sink: EUGENE, I AM NOT YOUR PERFECT SOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was most relieving and soul satisfying. I scream repeatedly until there is no screaming left in me. I have gotten the best results when screaming spontaneously following my having written automatically in my spiral notebook. Up comes the old rotten energy and I feel my impulse to scream and I go scream. Then I sit quietly and recover. I praise myself for opening and expressing and getting out something that needed to be let go and let out.
I do not know what is best for you to do, Barbara. I have been tuning into you and you have felt absent, like you may have forgotten yourself somehow. Anyway, should you choose to open up and let some of that rotten energy go, screaming is highly beneficial.
It has occurred to me last week that Joseph’s dying may have triggered a much older loss which has been lingering down deep waiting to be healed.
I love you and hope for the best. Melancholy can be very seductive but also healing when words come up to express the ESSENCE.
I have no reason to forgive you. Just to bless you in what you are living through.
Thank you for sharing yourself when you are in pain. It reminds me that you can help me when I’m in pain, because you feel it, too. I’m sorry you lost your dear Joseph. There is no pain like this pain. Only those of us who lost our dearest one know it. Sorry you are in our club. I call it the Terrible Club. I wish I could’ve spared you this, I truly do.
Dear, dear Barb, you have nothing to apologize for. And nothing to be forgiven for. You are allowed to be human, which is messy and dark and angry at times. My heart aches for you, because I know there is no balm to give you, but to acknowledge your right to feel what you feel, AND to express that, no matter.
Some day those of us reading this, if not already, will be faced with the unspeakable loss and utter loneliness and emptiness you feel now.
I enjoyed reading the advice on screaming. I do it on a regular basis when I am alone in the car and feel rage. It’s satisfying, at least for the moment, because it’s me acknowledging me and how I feel.
Keep writing and speaking up. You are in my prayers and are loved.